What do men want? If I had a penny for every time a woman asked me this question or a variation of it, I would have blown this pop stand a long time ago and you dear people would be reading the work of a replacement Sam Sharpe, a nutriment Sam Sharpe, a dildo Sam Sharpe, for I would be luxuriating in a spa on my private island somewhere off the coast of Bali. And the Sultan of Brunei would be throwing fantastical parties in my honour and bequeathing me comely maidens as rewards for my fabulousness….
….Which is all to say I’ve been asked this question a lot and that I do not actually have said penny for every question because I am decidedly not a dildo. A dick maybe, but never a dildo. Anyway, I’m sure you’re not here for my verbal diarrhea, I’m sure you’re waiting with baited breath, just bursting at the seams with anticipation, notebooks at the ready.
First, a few qualifiers; it probably doesn’t need to be said but I’m going to say it anyway—not all men are the same and not all men are going to want the same things. However, when women ask “what do men want” I take this to mean “what does he want from me” or more specifically “what do I need to do to keep a/my man”. There is but one answer for all of these questions my dear friends and it is very, very simple:
Improve the quality of his life.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
I was tempted to say “blowjobs” but this isn’t (necessarily) about sex, though it could be. And I was tempted to say f*ck him AND feed him but this isn’t (necessarily) about domestic issues, though it might be. And I was tempted to tell you that it helps if you have a nice, stable job but this isn’t (necessarily) about financial issues though I guess that’s possible too. No, it’s a simple matter of emotional, psychological and physical accounting, a measure of the pros and cons of being with you. Or you. Or you. And you.
But perhaps most significantly ladies, this isn’t about doing or saying what YOU think will improve the quality of his life, this isn’t about what YOU think is right or wrong. This isn’t about what your mother, your girlfriends and your parish priest think will improve the quality of his life.
It’s about him.
So tell me, is the quality of your man’s life better because you are in it?
I’ll be back with a more in depth discussion next week. In the meantime, enjoy the following video clip. It always makes me chuckle. (**WARNING. Some of this language might be offensive to some.)