June 7, 2012

SAM SHARPE

**Here’s another oldie but a goody from the MetAnotherFrog archives. Enjoy!**

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If you haven’t read it yet, you really need to check out Cumfaceology, Elizabeth Rose’s mini dissertation on the male “cum face”. Or, more specifically, what a woman can tell about a man’s personality by the face he makes when he reaches ecstasy. Having no idea what my own face looks like at the moment of truth, I found ER’s observations to be both hilarious and disconcerting (I mean, a constipation face is never gentlemanly—even when one is actually constipated).

Consequently, I decided it was my duty as the sole representative of masculine hopes, desires and dare I say authority on Met Another Frog, to respond with an equivalent analysis of the female orgasm. However, I also expanded my analysis to include not just the cum face, but also the buildup to the “big event” as well. So, without further ado, I present my Cumfaceology Part 2:

The Banshee: A typical banshee is characterized by quick, heavily drawn breaths that build up to the sort of otherworldly wail that one usually only associates with porno actresses and horror film ghouls. The nature of this orgasm is such that no matter how often you experience it, and no matter how prepared you are for it to happen, the sheer volume of the “wail” never ceases to surprise. Having said that, the theatricality of The Banshee should make every man suspicious of its authenticity (unless of course she is having a G-Spot orgasm and/or is a squirter. In that case, the fluid running down your arm/leg/chin/belly and overall sogginess of your sheets is all the authentication you probably need).

The Rosie O’Donnell: The Rosie O’Donnell is the loud, obnoxious, “impossible for the neighbours not to know what’s going on in your boudoir” member of the orgasm family. There’ll be lots of exhortations during the build up (YES! YES! YES! Oh YES! RIGHT THERE! YES! HARDER! YES! YES!), followed by guttural groans. You know you’ve got a Rosie O’Donnell on your hands when no matter how hot the girl is you just can’t wait for her to shut her trap.

The Glamour Shot: The glamour shot is similar to the Banshee in its build up. Except these breaths are slower and drawn in a more shallow fashion. Unlike the Banshee the Glamour Shot does not explode, it implodes. And whereas the Banshee builds to a wail, the Glamour shot leads to a deep, vibrating exhalation of breath, closed eyes, followed by a biting of the lip, a turn of the head, and another soft as a baby’s bottom exhalation of breath. A woman who shows you her Glamour Shot is afraid of being heard and probably doesn’t want to risk getting her hair messed up.

The Evander “Real Deal” Holyfield (also known as the Smokin’ Joe Frazier): Pretty much the total opposite of the Glamour Shot – a personal favourite of many men. The Evander Holyfield is characterized by muscular, sweaty and athletically involuntary spasms of the woman’s body. As the woman approaches climax, her partner often has to muster all his available reserves to hold her down or hang on for dear life. The Evander Holyfield is relentless. When climaxing, she keeps coming and coming and coming. Why is this the favourite of many a man? Simple, it’s the “Real Deal”.  It can’t easily be faked.

So ladies, which one are you? A Glamour Girl or perhaps a Banshee? And fellas let me know which of these ’orgasmic categories’, so to speak, tickles your fancy.

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