A Comprehensive Guide To Knowing What Men Want

Posted by: Sam Sharpe Tags: communication, dating, men, relationships, women Posted date: June 26, 2012 | No comment

**In case you haven’t already heard our first book, Asses to Asses, Bust to Bust, is now available as an e-book or in print. For further details, including the various ways you can get your hands on a copy or two of your very own, click here.**

In the movie What Women Want, Mel Gibson plays Nick, an advertising executive and chauvinist who develops the ability to read women’s minds. Much hilarity* ensues. And predictably this new-found “talent” leads to greater understanding of the “fairer” sex. Though this movie is utter nonsense it did make me wonder what a movie called What Men Want would look like. Thanks to the power of the Internet I think I know: Cameron Diaz.

Clearly we live in a world enamoured with the idea of gender otherness; our men are from mars-ness and women from venus-ness is so hard wired into our collective consciousness that we blindly make movies, sing songs, write books and read blogs dedicated to the concept. Now, I’m not suggesting that there aren’t differences between men and women but I often feel we make mountains out of molehills.

Right now you’re wondering about this comprehensive guide and why am I going on about Mel Gibson movies and such. Well, the truth is there isn’t a comprehensive guide to man-dom. Anyone who purports to have one is trying to sell you something. And I’m no salesman. (Though you should probably click the link at the top of this page and purchase your copy of Asses to Asses, Bust to Bust).

But I do have something to say about what men want.

First, the best way to find out what a man wants is to ask him.Whether you’re trying to decide what to get him for Christmas or what to make him for dinner or whether or not he’d like you to swallow (yes, yes he does) getting your answers directly from the horse’s mouth always beats getting it from the horse’s ass. Or your friends. Or something like that.

Second, you should listen to his answer when he gives it to you.** There’s no use repeatedly asking if he wants to eat steak if you’re going to prepare chicken. Ladies, how would you feel if you continually told him say, you can’t cum through penetration alone, only to have him insist that having his oh-so-magical dick hammering away at your insides should be enough. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Third, despite what your grade three teacher told you, there are stupid questions. Okay, maybe stupid is a bit harsh. What I really mean is leading, misleading and/or unfair questions. Not sure what I mean? Let me explain it this way; almost every question starting with “Do you want to” that doesn’t suggest or end with him actually getting something he desires is pretty much a bullsh** question. Popular examples include:

Do you want to take out the garbage?

Do you want to go to Ikea this weekend?

Do you want to mow the lawn?

Do you want to cuddle?

Of course it’s possible that you might be dating/fucking/married to a man who genuinely wants to do some or all of those things but it’s not likely. I know this because most people I know, male or female, gay or straight, do not genuinely enjoy taking out the garbage, going to Ikea or taking out the garbage.

Wanting is a matter of desire. And women, in my experience at least, have a tendency to ask the sort of questions that make men think “I don’t want to do this but….”

One more thing. In my first post this month I said that all men aren’t the same. And that is obviously true. But I want to qualify that statement a bit, because the way I figure it, to paraphrase Tolstoy, happy men are all alike but every unhappy man is unhappy in his own way. In other words, I might be able to broadly tell you things that probably make your man happy but determining what makes him unhappy or why he’s unhappy is up to you. And in my experience there’s only one way to do that.

Ask him.

*I’m using the terms “much” and “hilarity” very loosely.

**Many female friends complain to me that men get skittish when asked questions. Now, I could write a dissertation about this but for now here’s what I’m going to say: generally speaking, a man who gets skittish and nervous when asked questions does so because he has reason to be nervous. Whether that is because he is a lying, manipulative, scheming sack of sh** or you are/the questioner is a lying, manipulative, scheming sack of sh**is impossible for me to discern from a distance. But the truth is in the middle there somewhere.