August 10, 2012

SAM SHARPE

I try to avoid absolutes. When you’re writing about sex, dating and relationships on a regular basis it’s kind of hard not to write things like “all men do…” or “every girl feels…”. It’s just easy; even though you end up sounding like a Cosmo or Men’s Health knock-off.

I mean, how many times do we have to read about the “17 egg-related sexual moves to make your man happy” or the “3 things every woman wants to hear before she blows you like she’s never blown you before”? But you know what? They work. They resonate. Absolutes, to paraphrase the late 20th century philosopher Kelis, “bring all the boys to the yard”.

And so dear friends, from this day forth, I will strive to bring you all to the yard with really helpful dating, relating and mating (read f***ing) absolutes. I bring you the first installment in my Universal Laws Of Relationships, Sex and Dating. Let’s get started with the first two laws:

It is a universal law of relationships that if “why would I be mad at you?” is your partner’s answer to the question “are you mad at me?” you can pretty much guarantee that said partner is madder than a bull on castration day.

Haven’t we all been there? Haven’t we all forgotten to wash the dishes or left the used condom on the floor or told our girlfriend that her mom has a smoking hot bod? Wait. Is that just me? Whatever, I think you catch my drift; the point is if you’ve f*cked up so much that your partner answers the “are you…” question with a question you my friend are up shits creek without a paddle.

Right now you’re wondering what is an appropriate course of action if one suspects their partner is vexed. As far as I can see you have two options. One, you skip the question, pass go, don’t collect any money and dive head first into apologizing. I don’t even think you need to know what you’re apologizing for. Just do it. Or there’s option two wherein you ask the question and risk being on the receiving end of the Wrath of Khan.

Personally, I don’t think there’s a one sized fits all answer here. I think you need to know your partner. And you need to know which one of these options leads to make-up sex and which one leads to slammed doors and tears.

It is a universal law of relationships that withholding sex for the purpose of proving a point to your partner causes just as much if not more long-term damage to the relationship than the act being punished.

So. Your boyfriend Dudley forgot to wash the dishes AND left a condom under the bed AND casually mentioned that your mother’s got more cushion for the pushin’. I get it. You’re mad. He’s an inconsiderate jerk. And disgusting. And rude for objectifying your mom. So of course the natural solution is to withhold sex.

Okay. Riddle me this: How does withholding sex ensure he remembers to clean up after himself, not be a slob and remember it’s not okay to tell you that your mom is bootylicious? I really don’t have more to say than that but please let me know if I’m missing something.

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