August 21, 2012
A Guest Post by WALKER THORNTON
After starting the process of leaving my marriage in 2000 I dived headfirst into online dating. Confused, lonely and eager for good sex…or really, any sex, I made some wildly awful decisions. And, I had some fun here and there. Starting with what might be seen by some as losing my virginity all over again.
It took 18 months without intimate touch for me to realize I couldn’t go without sex. I hastily put up a dating profile and spent hours perusing online dating sites in search of a man. I tackled the problem like my life depended on it. I didn’t embark on a casual playful romp, I threw myself into it—neurotically.
The first man I settled on wasn’t attractive to me or exciting in any way. I’m not sure why I felt so driven to have sex with him. At some point in that initial get-to-know-you phase I should have walked away. But, I was coming from this surreal place where I felt compelled to get over this first hurdle. The hurdle called having sex with a man who is not your husband, after 26 years of marriage.
When the big night finally came I was nervous, and soon after I arrived at his house we began the play-acting. He poured me a glass of wine and we sat down on the sofa. The talking was a little awkward, even though we had seen each other the week before. All conversation halted when he almost lunged for me, and placed a groping hand on my breast.
Somehow we got from the couch to his bedroom. I excused myself and headed for the bathroom to prepare. When I stepped into the bedroom he was already undressed and under the covers, lights on, peering out over the sheet with this goofy grin. I quickly jumped under the covers as well and waited for him to make the first move.
If he'd taken just a little bit longer I might've got a game of cards in too.
He kissed me briefly then quickly mounted. No foreplay, no prolonged kissing or exploration. And, as he fumbled to insert himself in me, I realized that he was only partially erect. I don’t think I even got a look at ‘it’. My eyes were closed. He muttered something about always thinking it was bigger than it really was! Oh, God, make this fast.
Thwarted by what had to be a dry, unreceptive vagina, he finally managed to shove his dick (which was not very big or very firm) in. A few shoves and grunts and we were done. He rolled off, grinning like the Cheshire Cat. We lay there, without touching while I tried to figure out how to get out of his bed and his house as soon as possible. The evening ended very abruptly. He didn’t even walk me to my car. I drove home unsure of whether I should be laughing or crying.
Fast forward to 2012. I’m 58 and still single. Today I wouldn’t waste my time with a man who doesn’t engage me on several levels. Now, I have a very clear idea of what it takes for me to invite a man to my bed. Intelligence is as important as sex appeal. He’s got to be experienced and good in the sexual arena. If I can’t see myself in bed with him then why date him?
To ensure my safety and to control (as much as one can) how things progress, along the way I’ve also set some rules…
Don’t pressure me for sex: I’m old enough to know what I want and what to do to help make it happen.
Don’t show up for a date looking like you threw on something from a pile of dirty clothes on the floor: I want to be in the presence of a man who takes care of himself and who will show some respect for the women he dates. Make an effort—I’m worth it.
Don’t be arrogant or think it’s all about you: Satisfy me and I’ll satisfy you. (Satisfying a man is a huge turn-on for me—and a constant surprise!)
For me, dating has been an evolutionary process . In a society that views women over age 50 as all dried up and uninterested (there’s not a lot of conversation out there geared to women my age or useful information on dealing with older men, many of whom experience erectile dysfunction), through my experiences I’ve developed my own sexual identity.
I know who I am, what I like, and how to ask for it (I’m not the needy woman I was in my 40’s!).
I’ve learned to enjoy many sexual pleasures that I didn’t care for in my 30’s.
I’m more willing to experiment and play outside of my comfort level.
There are times when I miss the predictability and comfort of a long-term relationship. And, there are times when I rejoice in my freedom to play with and to meet interesting men. Being single gives me a full range of opportunities I never dreamed of, though admittedly, with a few disadvantages. Maybe I’ll find Mr. Right for the long-term, but for now, I’m having fun. So, bring it on!