September 12, 2012

COCO LA CRÈME, Sex Educator

Hey CoCo,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a few months and we recently had sex for the first time. Before this happened I was a virgin so although we messed around we saved the big deed for a special night. He has a little more experience which I’m actually pretty grateful for. He really makes it all feel fantastic … except for one thing – the actual penetration part. We’ve done this three times now and it always ends in disaster. Either I’m underwhelmed or worse, it’s really painful. I’d like to enjoy all aspects of sex with my boyfriend but it seems like I’m never going to like penetration. Is there anything I can do to get better at sex?

Foreplay Is Fun…Initially

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Hi FIFI,

Ok, take a deep breath! Everything’s going to be all right. Girl, you are not alone.

Lots of women find P-in-V sex underwhelming (sorry guys!). In fact it’s estimated that as much as 75% of the female population does not orgasm from penetration alone. Most of our nerve endings are concentrated in the clitoris which can be under stimulated during intercourse. The vagina has relatively few nerve endings and isn’t as big of a deal orgasm-wise. Pain during intercourse is also more common than you’d think. Luckily, there is lots you can do to make sex feel better…

Make sure you are ready for intercourse and totally turned on. The vagina becomes more elastic as you become aroused and it actually lengthens and balloons out at the back to make penetration easier. Pound for pound women have just as much genital erectile tissue as men (ours is just internal) so you should BOTH get hard before you even think about sticking it in.

Get lubed up! Some women naturally produce enough lubrication to make sex slippery and comfortable but some of us do not. Even women who get really juicy won’t necessarily be able to turn on the waterworks every time. The amount of lubrication we produce changes from day to day depending on a lot of different factors (hormones, hydration etc…). Try using a store-bought lubricant to reduce friction and make penetration more comfortable. There are lots to choose from so get out there and find one you like. I wrote a lube primer a while back that you might find handy.

Masturbate or use a vibrator on your clitoris during penetration. This will mean that both you and your partner are getting the pleasure you deserve. After all fair is fair. Why should he get off when you don’t?

Explore your g-spot! Many women find that hitting up the g-spot during intercourse gives them more bang for their buck. The G-Spot is a sponge that wraps around your urethra and it makes this magic elixir as you get turned on. Then it gets all big and sensitive and it hangs low enough that you can push on it through the front wall of the vagina. You can also use a curved toy or ask your boyfriend to do a “come here” motion with his fingers. Try it out. Honestly, the sensation can take some getting used to and it may not feel pleasurable right away. Actually, it might feel like you need to whiz, but don’t worry, there won’t be any golden showers! The fluid some women expel during “female ejaculation” is clear, odorless and uh… not pee.

Try different positions. The position used during sexy time can greatly affect how comfortable and pleasurable it feels. Experiment with positions that give you more control like “woman on top” or ones that stimulate your g-spot like ‘doggy-style.”

And sometimes you don't. So try focusing less on intercourse.

Focus less on intercourse. It’s not the end all be all and there are lots of couples who choose not to make penetration the highlight of the night. Do more of the things you like and explore different ways of adding pleasure and stimulation for your partner as well. The sky’s the limit when it comes to sexual pleasure and P-in-V often gets more prominence in our sex lives than it necessarily deserves. Even if you don’t want to give up on the idea of pain-free sex, taking intercourse off the menu for a little while can be a really good thing. It tones down the pressure and guilt and frees you up to enjoy, explore and experiment.

If these suggestions don’t help you might want to check in with your doctor about conditions like vaginismus or vulvodynia that can lead to pelvic pain during intercourse. There are solutions out there so don’t panic. Enjoy your awesome sex life and Good Luck!

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