Things No One Told (Reminded) Me About Relationships

Posted by: Sam Sharpe    Tags:  , , , ,     Posted date:  February 4, 2014  |  Comment


February 4, 2014


As I mentioned earlier, I’m in a relationship now and I’m very happy. We’ve been together for a bit and things are good, no problems, no stress. I mean, I’m still adjusting to the rhythms of having and being a special someone but it doesn’t look like either one of us will be calling Jerry Springer or Maury Povich anytime soon.

My friends, after digesting the shock of my changed status, have been encouraging and quick to offer words of advice, though I’m not sure “mek sure fi gi har di good wood”** counts as  groundbreaking, enlightened or useful. And my family, mom in particular, is already dropping wedding hints. But for all the commentary it seems I regularly encounter situations that no one thought to warn or remind me about. Things that I suppose most people deal with in relationships but seem totally unnecessary to the overall relationship experience. For example:

DOMESTIC DISTRESS

The Missus and I have known each other for years now; we met through mutual friends and had socialized often. I even played wing-man for her once (and inadvertently set in motion a wild series of events that included me trying to seduce someone else in the social circle, another friend suggesting I ask her out, and her giving me a New Years Eve “I’m Looking For A Booty Call Text”). And before we got “serious” we stretched that New Year’s Eve booty call into a long standing and very casual “hey, what are you doing on Friday, let’s go see a movie, have a drink, f***, get together” kind of deal. So I figured I was pretty familiar with her demeanor and habits.

Not totally true.

All of a sudden, once we’d cross the Rubicon and made the leap into “we’re in a relationship” mode, I’m noticing things like how loudly she chews sometimes (as if we hadn’t eaten together before), how she hogs the sheets and the mattress (as if we hadn’t shared a bed) and how much hair she sheds (as if I hadn’t pulled…I’ll leave that one alone).

HOLD THE CABBAGE

Look, I burp and fart just like you or anyone else does. And I’m not 17, nor do I have some kind of sanitized, fairy-tale, Victorian era view of what women are supposed to be like. But believe me, when I was just a boy she saw naked every once in awhile the only gas on show was provided by the tonic in a Gin & Tonic. Now? If she says “c’mon over I’m cooking” and said meal includes cabbage, broccoli or beans I start really questioning how hungry I am.

INDECENT PROPOSAL

This is only tangentially about my Missus. This is about other women. And me. Now, I’ve often heard it said that women want you more when you’re taken. Frankly, I’m not sure that’s objectively true, but subjectively it has been my experience. And it has been a loooo-ooooo-oooong time since I’ve had a Missus so maybe I just don’t remember how to interact with women who are potentially available to me while I’m in a relationship but….yeah, it’s been interesting.

Anyway, a few weeks back I received a message from Kim, a wonderful lady that I used to work (and play) with. After a few exchanged texts we got on the phone and were catching up when I told her about the Missus. Kim reacted with a mixture of surprise, curiosity and excitement–she knew about my long standing bachelorhood–but she seemed genuinely happy for me.

About 15 minutes after I hung up I received another text. It was Kim. Kim said she forgot to ask me one more thing. Kim said she was looking for an NSA hookup. A “for old time’s sake”, kind of thing she said.

Hmmm.

Kim was fun. And orally gifted. I felt a stirring in my loins.

What….to…..do……?

Well, I went to see the Missus, and to paraphrase my friends, made sure to “gi har di good wood”.**

**Just in case you’re not sure, don’t have Jamaican friends or aren’t mayor Rob Ford, this means what you think it means. If you’re still not sure let me fill in the blanks; “give her the good wood”, with wood of course a reference to the phallus.


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Sam Sharpe
Lover of fine liquor, music and women...not necessarily in that order.



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