You wouldn’t necessarily know it, judging by most of what I’ve written around these parts, but I know love. I know all about it. I know about the butterflies in the chest and the longing in the heart. I know all about late nights and early morning conversations. I know all about passionate sex and the passionate fights. I know all about the tears and the laughter. I know all about the emotional tumult, the primal and inexplicable yearning that singers sing about and writers write about. I also know that making love last has nothing to do with all of that shit and everything to do with choices; with choosing to love someone, even when you don’t feel like it.

But I’m not here to talk about love. Not really. I mean, pretty much every song, movie, book, recipe and user manual ever written is about love in some way. So I figured I wouldn’t add to the clutter. And it is clutter. Clutter designed to sell you, me, all of us something. Don’t believe me? Google love, and see what happens. Actually, you don’t need to because I did and I’m sharing with you my thoughts on a few of the most popular search results. Consider this my Valentine’s Day gift to you. Enjoy!.

LOVE POEMS? YES!

So, love poems are a big deal. I guess that shouldn’t be too surprising. I mean, who doesn’t like a good love poem? And according to the site “if you are looking for love poems or love quotes, you have come to the right place”. Well, I wasn’t really looking for a love poem but hey why not? So, I clicked on the “love poems” link. You can view the entire collection or select a number from a list and you’ll be directed to a poem. I like the number 10. I chose poem number 10. Love poem #10 was written by Meghan. This poem has a nursery rhyme like quality to it. And it expresses the typical love poem stuff. The stuff that usually makes me nauseous/snicker/guffaw and reminds me that modern conceptions of love make it sound like a disease or syndrome. Don’t believe me? Check this passage:

“I love you with my heart,
My body and my soul,
I love the way I keep loving,
Like a love I can’t control”

Really? All your body? And your soul? The way you keep loving you can’t control? That sounds suspiciously like Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I don’t want anyone loving me like this. Nooooooo thank you. I want to be wanted. Not needed. Like a crutch. Or a laxative.

LOVE MATH

Who doesn’t love math? Who doesn’t love love? Who doesn’t love the love calculator. This is frankly ridiculous. And a time waster. I like ridiculous. And I love wasting time. I proceeded to match myself with some of my favourite female bloggers. The results are not very promising:

Sam Sharpe + Her Lil Black Book = 43% Love. This might have worked better if I entered her real name. But isn’t it funny that the Love Calculator doesn’t discriminate and accepted “Her Lil Black Book” as her name. Brilliant.

Sam Sharpe + Skye Blue = 53% Love. Apparently we have a reasonable chance of working out. The Love Calculator is clearly not good at love math.

Sam Sharpe + Elizabeth Rose = 63% Love. Yes! Finally! A C-! Now we’re getting somewhere. And clearly my love increases in 10 per cent increments.

Sam Sharpe + Nikki B = 15% Love. Yikes! So much for that 10 per cent increment thing. Oh well, I guess it wasn’t meant to be….screw it, I’ve got my own math. I’m gonna say that other 85% is lust. I know Nikki likes lust. God (and math) knows I do. So yeah, we can definitely still get down!

Sam Sharpe + Man Shopper = 61% Love. It’s a little disconcerting that I still haven’t broken 65%. What, is there something wrong with my personality? I guess a 61% isn’t too bad but it could never work between us. She travels too much.

Sam Sharpe + Max-Logic = 56% Love. I can’t believe I’ve wasted my (and your) time with this. I guess that’s what the pursuit of love does to a man.

THE BIG SELL

Okay, does anyone know what the hell lovingyou.com and thelovemagazine.co.uk are? I sure as hell don’t but they must have something to do with love right? A quick glance suggests Lovingyou.com is Cosmo-esque while thelovermagazine.co.uk is giving me a headache the likes of which I haven’t had since my sister forced me to watch FashionTelevision with Jeanne Beker when I was young. Though lovingyou.com did teach me that Kim Kardashian is a pear, Audrina Partridge is a wedge, Natalie Portman is a rectangle, Jennifer Hudson is an apple and Beyonce is an hourglass. And sooooo one named. Hmmm, two sites designed to sell a certain lifestyle to women are among the most popular search results for love. I wonder what that could mean.

HOW DOES THIS LOVE THING WORK ANYWAY?

Ever ask yourself that? Ever wonder just how this love thing works anyway. Well, just Google it. You’ll see there’s a Wiki for that plus a howstuffworks for it too. The howstuffworks spiel is pretty standard love stuff and come to think of it the Wiki is as well. But I’m partial to the Wiki because they’ve got a video on the very first page. And I’m a sucker for video. Anyway, if you watch the video, fast forward to the woman at the :33 mark. She says, and I quote “…where you’re so hot for the person you can’t breathe, eat or sleep.” Seriously people. Tell me this doesn’t sound like Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Folks, I owe you all an apology for falling down on the job yesterday. All I can say is that my post was pretty much ready to go, but as the computer gods have not been on my side this week it’s stuck on the hard drive of my desktop computer. The one attached to the monitor that faded to a very picture-less black on me last night, where my post will remain until I have a chance to run out and find one to replace it later this week. Needless to say, the month of January came to a rather lack lustre end for me, so believe me when I tell you, I’m overjoyed that it’s…

Finally it’s February!

Now you all know how we do here. A new month, means a new topic and for the next few weeks we plan to keep things light, lively and full of L-O-V-E. Of course as we’re not at all inclined to get all soft and mushy in the name of St. Valentine and his spend in the name of love because engaging in conspicuous consumption is the only real way to show you care ‘holiday’, there’ll definitely be more than a bit of our trademark lewdness this month too, because we’ll all (that’d be myself, Sam, our girl Coco and a gaggle of guest writers) be penning posts on the following theme…

What do you L-O-V-E?

Which means you can expect all sorts of gushing and over sharing on all the things that really turn our cranks when it comes to dating, relationships, sex (cause let’s face it, what’s not to love?) and even love.

Good people, our month long love-in starts to tomorrow and it’s bound to get real interesting, so make sure you come back soon to check out what we’ve got going on.

See on the other side,

SB

Hey folks. Frankly, I can’t remember if this is my first time Goody Drawering since my tango with a Tenga egg back in August but regardless, here I am again providing a little information and perhaps a little entertainment. Now, I know I promised a series of male sex toy reviews but sometimes life gets in the way. Anyway, this installment of SFGD features a coming together of cultures, east meeting west, a co-mingling of the ancient and the modern, a mélange of tradition and technology. In other words, I’m reviewing the iKamasutra app for the iPhone.

Now, I just got an iPhone. Like, last week. Because I am nothing if not consistently focused on all things sexual I made finding sex related apps a priority. And because I believe it is my duty to (over) share parts of my sex life with the masses I decided a review of this app’s efficacy was in order. So I enlisted the assistance of my Tenga accomplice, formerly known as the handjobber, now known as the Kama Sutress, to aid me in this most important endeavour. And awaaaaaaay we go.

First things first, there are two versions of this app, a free one, which comes with 30 different positions, and an upgrade that will run you 99 cents. Well folks, Skye and Elizabeth have me on a tight leash around here so I settled for the au gratis version. Heck, I was pretty sure it would be sufficient, there are only so many hours I can spend f**king in a single day.

Anyway, the iKamaSutra divides sexual positions into the following nine categories:

1. 69

2. Butterfly

3. Cowgirl

4. Cunnilingus

5. Doggy Style

6. Exotic

7. Face to Face

8. Fellatio

9. Spooning

Each category in the free version features no fewer than two and as many as four positions. After a brief discussion, the Kama Sutress and I decided to “officially” try the following positions:

The Deck Chair - This was straight forward enough. The woman places her legs on her man’s shoulders while the man kneels in front of her. The man (I guess that’s me) leans against the woman’s legs and enters from a stimulating angle. This is supposed to offer a feeling of nearness and allows the man (again, me) to stimulate the woman with his hand. The verdict: Well, I had a good time. The Kama Sutress? She liked it but did let me know her hamstrings aren’t as flexible as her hips so this position was only viable for a limited time. We both recommend this one but the Kama Sutress asked me to inform the ladies that you’ll struggle if your flexibility is not up to snuff. Yoga, anyone? Oh, and don’t try this on a full stomach.

**I feel the need to give a shout out to my Jamaican massive. Deck chair? We would just call this a little “foot pon shoulda” and then call it a day.**

Missionary (Twisted): According to the app this one is “one small step from the missionary position, a giant leap for pleasure.” Now, I don’t know about this “giant leap” business but I think we all can agree this position is a winner. In this pose, the woman wraps her legs around her partner’s back and squeezes. Placing a pillow below the woman’s buttocks allows easy deep penetration, and allows the participants to focus on rocking movements instead of only penetration. Good for stimulation of the clitoris. The verdict: The Kama Sutress liked this one for all the above stated reasons and also because it made her “really, really feel me” and “feel really close.” Sounds kind of emo. Hmmm. As for me, this was all good.

Teaspoons: According to iKamasutra this is a more intimate form of doggy style. We all know what doggy style is right? Right? Anyway. Both partners kneel and the man enters from behind. The woman separates her legs so that he can easily enter and they each place their hands on the other’s hips. You can easily transition to and from the regular doggy style position. The verdict: I love a little woof woof as much as if not more than the next man and though I enjoyed this one it did seem like a little more work than it was worth. And the Kama Sutress? She liked it too but kept feeling like she was going to or wanted to fall and “got tired of hanging on”.

The Arch: The woman rests with her shoulders on the bed and enters a bridge position as the man kneels between her legs. This offers deep and intense penetration and great stimulation for the G-spot. Hands are free allowing for all types of grabbing, pinching, rubbing and gripping. The verdict: For me, m’eh, but it still gets a thumbs way up. Why? Because this is what the Kama Sutress had to say; “Oh no, that one felt gooooood. Real, real, good.” And if it’s good for her it’s bound to be good for me.

Now, all four of these positions are really just slight variations on sh** that is part of my (and I hope your) regular repertoire of moves and in fact I could say the same thing about many if not most of the 30 positions in the free version of the app. However, there are a few like the Brute (woman on back with legs raised against her chest and man facing away squatting over her lower parts) or the Amazon (man pulls his legs toward chest so that woman can squat and lean against his legs) that seem a little off the beaten path.

Final Verdict: For a free app this is an absolute winner. It is easy to use and has fun features that allow you to track what you’ve tried, select favourites and create a to-do list. You can also track your progress from “novice” to “master”. Oh, and the settings allow you to turn on or off the background music (sitar, what else?) provides hints for complicated positions and to set a password for your app so that mom doesn’t stumble upon your to do list while browsing through your iPhone. At the very least it will inject a little more play into your sex life. I may very well spend the 99 cents and get the upgrade.

On a related note, we’ve been talking a little about sex as performance this week. We’ve explored why many if not most of us approach sex as performance and the ways this can be limiting or negative. Now, I wasn’t going to speak on this issue at all actually but while preparing to write this piece I came across a link for a Kama Sutra feature in FHM magazine (see here). At the end of the intro the author states, “Quite simply, these videos can teach you how to be Ron Jeremy in the bedroom”.

One word: Ewwww.

Seriously, the world does not need more men trying (and failing) to be Ron Jeremy. Not everyone wants to be f*cked like a porn star.

Hey all.

Sam and I managed to get our shit together last week, so we’re finally back with another podcast. This time round we’re hitting you up with our picks for the most informative (and at times alarming) sex news we could find, intermixed with our own special brand of ridiculous banter (and singing – don’t ask) on…

• A sex toy ‘outing’ a Republican Mayor.
• Mandatory condoms for porn stars?
• Satisfying memories of orgasms past for older women.
• The secret lore of yardie cocksmen.
• The dangers of sex on coffee tables.
• Sam’s humanist leanings, fave hip hop sex songs (backbone’s be slidin’ all) and love for one ball Lance.
• And more (including 18 year old hard ons and the cruelty of God)!

Yep, it’s good times all around, Met Another Frog style.

Happy Listening!

More Than Pillow Talk Ep. 7

That powerful little word kept coming to mind way back in November, as I sat listening to Lux Alptraum’s keynote address at Playground. For the better part of her speech I was busy scrawling all the questions the points she was making brought to mind into my notebook. By the time she was finished I had more than a page full of questions pertaining to the way our society views, approaches and even condemns our sexuality. Questions like…

Why is penetrative sex the only type to be considered real sex?

Why is there such little room for people to be exactly who they want to be – even when it doesn’t fit mainstream norms – in their sexual lives?