The Question:

After being on the dating scene forever and continually running into ‘frogs’ I have to ask myself – is it me? What if anything should I do to change my luck? – Is It Really Me?

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Answers from Our Expert and Enthusiastic Amateur:

Dear Is It Really Me,

My question to you is who else could it be? It’s obviously you.  It’s just a lot easier to think it’s them. So it isn’t about changing your luck. Just change the ponds you go looking in. I know you probably think that ‘frogs’ are everywhere and it’s true – they’re all around you. But how about making the conscious decision to not give the frogs your phone number and keeping it moving until you find your very own prince?

Owen Williams author of The Relationship Revolution

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Dearest IIRM,

Short and sweet? Yes, it’s you. You’re the common denominator in the life of these ‘frogs’.  Buck up and be a real woman and stop playing the victim role. If you do that I can assure you that your ‘luck’ will change. If that doesn’t work, try Spanx.

Leesa Gaspari, Comedienne

I hate being alone. I’ve dabbled in online dating, and also tried to get out and meet people, but currently it seems no one is interested in dating this 30-something woman. Unfortunately, at times like these I find myself thinking about my ex a lot. He and I dated on and off for over four years. Over the years we’ve been through good times and bad – sadly I have to admit that the bad far outweighed the good. Anyway, I know that any day now I’m going break down and call him, because I can’t stand the feeling of being alone. Then he and I will be on the same road to nowhere once again – hanging out with each other because it’s more comfortable than being alone and more convenient than starting from scratch with someone new. I’m hoping to avoid this, because it always ends the same – with more sadness. Any advice you can offer would be helpful. Thanks in advance for your comments – Being Alone Sucks!

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Answers from Our Expert and Enthusiastic Amateur:

Dear Being Alone Sucks,

You won’t break this pattern until you decide that going back to the Ex isn’t an option. Did you know that Ex stands for ‘experimental’? Go experiment with someone else. You’re alone because at some level (of thought or belief) you want to be alone. Have you decided that ‘there really aren’t any good men out there’ or that ‘I really don’t want to get hurt again so I’ll play it safe’? Until you explore the deepest recesses of your mind, you’ll always be in your own way.

Owen Williams author of The Relationship Revolution

Dear BAS,

Oh my God Girlfriend, I don’t even know you and I don’t want to spend time with you.  Re-read your own letter and you will be soaked with your own loathing and whining.  I mean reeeeally!  When I find myself whining and can’t figure out what the problem is, I drink a 1.5 litre bottle of white, slap a smile on my face and fake it ‘til I make it. Buck up little sister. More wine and smiles… and life will change, I promise. As for calling the ex, spare him the agony. Good luck.

Leesa Gaspari, Comedienne

If you start with casual sex/have always been a bit slutty, will you ever be the girl he takes home to his mother? – Will I Ever Be The One?

Answers from Our Expert and Enthusiastic Amateur:

Dear Will I Ever Be The One,

I’ve got good news and bad news for you.

The bad news is you’ll never be the one because the notion of being ‘the one’ is a trap. It’s an illusionary heap of B.S. that we’ve all been hoodwinked into believing by our culture. We should all be thanking our lucky stars that there is no such thing. Can you imagine what an insane responsibility it would be? Frankly, I’m surprised that divorce rates aren’t even higher, because the pressure is just too much.

Now on to the good news. Since most relationships today start with sex as a recreational pastime and (far too) many women allow themselves to be ceremoniously marched up to a man’s mother for her stamp of approval, you’re definitely standing in good stead. However, there are only two small problems here. First of all, any man who has to take his woman home to his mother for approval needs to cut the cord (i.e. divorce his mother). If he doesn’t there’s a really high chance that he’ll eventually end up divorcing you. Secondly as delightful as casual sex may be, it isn’t the best way to get to know a man you’d like to marry. As you know, sex changes everything and clouds our judgment. It’s hard to see the truth of who another is through the delicious veil of lustful sex.

Finally, the fact that you’re even asking this question means that you’re operating (at least in part) from a place of shame as you partake in casual sex – which is something you should take some time to reflect on before hitting the sheets with the next man you meet.

Owen Williams author of The Relationship Revolution

Dearest WIEBTO,

I also have good news and bad news.

The bad news is, if YOU think you’re ‘slutty’ then why the hell would you expect him to take you home to Mama when clearly you’re deeming yourself deficient.  Spread your legs with pride, not with shame.

The good news is you can definitely be ‘the one’ when Mama realizes that you have ‘saved’ her son and he is a better person because of you… and then you can resume letting him take you in the ass, or dressing up like a fluffy raccoon mascot until your heart’s content.

Lustful sex is not only a veil that clouds other’s judgments it’s also a tool that can be used to lure a man right where you want him.  Practice makes perfect.

Leesa Gaspari, Comedienne

To send in your queries visit our Contact Us page, and then be sure to check out the Ask The Expert post on the last Sunday of every month.

The Question:

The guy I’m currently ‘hanging with’ is also my first love. We’ve had a thing for each since we were 12. We started dating seriously when I was 17 and were connected at the hip until we were 21. Although, we had a pretty tough break up, over the years whenever we’ve both been single we’ve scratched each other’s itches – we’re in the middle of one of those periods now. When we’re together we have a good time and everything feels right. He often tells me how important I am to him and how much he appreciates my presence in his life. Also, he gets all jealous whenever other guys talk to me. But even with all this he still seems to be real cagey about the idea of getting back together. Based on what I’ve said does it seem likely he’ll ever make the leap and solidify our relationship again? – Still Waiting

Answers from Our Expert and Enthusiastic Amateur:

Dear Still Waiting,

If by now you can’t see the pattern, look at the writing on the wall. Are you settling for a man who has yet to grow up and be decisive? Although being with him is like wearing comfy pyjamas, he comes with the jealous streak. Unless he is willing to look at that and take responsibility for the insecurity that is in him, you don’t stand a chance of having a long term satisfying relationship with this man. Just the fact that you are asking the question tells me that he doesn’t have the three things a man needs to have to make it with a woman:

1. A man needs to have a plan for his life and he needs to be able to communicate that plan effectively in a believable way.
2. A man needs to be able to make a woman laugh. The feminine can get way too serious and she needs him to step up at that moment and lighten her up.
3. A man needs to be able to meet her needs sexually and emotionally.

I ask you, does this sound like him?

Owen Williams, author of The Relationship Revolution

Dearest Still Waiting,

Or should I say, Dear Giving It Up For Free? What you had is clearly over. But, what you NOW have is someone getting the goods for free. You should dress up like a door mat for Halloween this year or even better, promptly cut off his free access to your Clam of Love. I might ask you, once you acknowledge that he doesn’t actually ‘care’ as much as you want to believe, why the hell would you want him anyway? Why wait around for him to decide about getting back together? Take your muffin and move far, far away. Sure, hold on to the good memories, but MOVE ON and dump his ass. Clearly, he’s a douche.  I speak from experience. This is leading nowhere. Your pussy will thank you, trust me.

Leesa Gaspari, Comedienne