In my neck of the woods certain body features and body types tend to be promoted above and beyond others on the covers of magazines, on television and on the big screen. Certain men and women are placed on a pedestal while the rest of us…well, the rest of us have our feet firmly rooted to the sidewalk. None of us are immune or impervious to these messages. As much as one may proclaim a love for the pleasingly plump or for man boobs, my impression is the tastes of the vast majority of us have been conditioned by this constant bombardment of messages, especially the young among us.

But a funny thing has happened to me as I’ve continued to gallop towards Gomorrah: I’m attracted to a lot of things that I’m not supposed to find attractive. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, there are very few women out there about whom I can’t find something to stiffen my posture. As proof, let me offer you a brief list of things and or people I find attractive that I’m not really supposed to:

Panty Lines: Okay, this has nothing to do with physical attributes but it makes the list because I saw one yesterday. A lovely young lady wearing a pair of fitted black dress pants saw fit to sashay to and fro in front of me as I walked up Yonge Street. Her bottom wasn’t spectacular, it was more average than awesome I suppose, but my heart did skip a beat when I noticed the unmistakable imprint of a not-quite-granny-so-let’s-call-it-an-auntie panty through her trousers. As her little legs pumped piston like through the after work mass of commuters, I felt an illicit thrill as the elastic in her panty etched lines across each cheek. I thought of Belgian Waffles. I thought of lines of scrimmage. I thought of clenching that elastic between my teeth. I realized that I might actually need help.

Itty-Bitty-Titty-Committee: I’ve dated/been horizontal with numerous dancers, many had bodies that appeared to be sculpted by Michelangelo, so perfect were the proportions. And yes all the loose-limbed flexibility one imagines a dancer brings to the boudoir cannot be overstated. But a lot of these ladies also brought flat chests along with them. I know boobs are a big deal to lots of men. Me? Not so much. Don’t get me wrong, I like boobs but I’m also attracted to women without ‘em. It’s been a while since I’ve been with a dancer but the mere sight of a flat chested woman puts wind in my sails (How many silly penile references can I make in this post? Stay tuned to find out) and reminds me off salacious and sweaty sex with women who were far more Gumby than Pokey.

Perfect Imperfections: I know I’m not alone in extolling the virtues of women with gap-toothed smiles. But what I find increasingly rare among men these days is an appreciation for more…let’s say dramatic “imperfections”. When I see a woman with knocked-knees or if I spot a lady strolling the boulevard with a pigeon toed gait I often get a little giddy inside. My inner perv shifts into overdrive and contemplates all manner of naughtiness. I’m not really sure why really? Is it because a woman with a little pigeon in her step or knock to her knee often appears to perk up the booty a little? Hmmm. C’est tres possible.

It’s Jiggling Baby: There is no subtle way to put this: I like seeing a woman’s bottom jiggle. Not in the “hip hop video ho” sense—though I enjoy that as well. I mean this in the “I’ve had three kids and I’m getting a little soft around the edges so you can see a little jiggle for each week I had to breast feed” through her pants sense.

.

.

I can’t explain this one either. All I know is as a student I worked summers at my mom’s company. My brother and sister happened to work there as well meaning that the whole family worked in the same place. Anyway, one evening as we drove home my mother and sister started complaining about Katherine, a woman in her mid 30s who tended to wear summer dresses and ill fitting underwear (word to the panty line!).

“I can’t stand to see her!”

“….and that panty line, will someone please tell her about the panty line!”