I’ve learned a lot from women through the years. Each and every girlfriend and ex-girlfriend has taught me something about myself or something about life. One night stands and more casual lovers have educated me about sex and love and shown me the difference between the two while female friends have illustrated in clear terms that men and women can enjoy platonic relationships with each other. So it kind of goes without saying that women have taught me a boat load of sh** through the years.

But all these women combined haven’t taught me nearly as much about relating to women as my mother has.

When I approach a woman I don’t know I think about how my mother would want to be approached.

When I take a woman out for the first time I treat her the way I would expect a man to treat my mother.

When I’m angry with a woman and I need to express my displeasure I try to manage the conflict in a manner that treats said woman with her fair share of respect. Y’know, the way I would expect a man to treat my mother.

This is all to say that my view of women, of femininity was largely shaped by mother’s example. My mother’s generosity, her sensitivity and her desire to nurture those around her left an imprint. Her devotion to the three kids she raised on her own gave me a lesson in sacrifice. And her ability to successfully navigate a world that often treats women as second class citizens showed me what knowledge of self was all about.

Move over Destiny’s Child. Unlike Beyonce, my mother didn’t need a song, a short skirt and an expensive music video to show the world she was an independent woman.

I could bore you to death with story after story of my mother asserting her personhood in a world that seemed determine to deny it. Instead, I’ll tell you this:

Any woman who has ever wanted to compliment me on my behaviour, or wished her man was more like me or thought I would make a great lover/boyfriend/husband has my mother to thank for setting a good example. Any woman who thinks I’m an a**hole/freak/punk or a poor excuse for a man should blame me for making a mess of everything my mother has ever taught me.

Now that I’ve accomplished the unique feat of boring you all to tears and announcing to the universe that I’m a mamma’s boy of the highest order I’m going to get back on track here. As you know, the MetAnotherFrog team decided that November is or was Family Values month. With the help of some of our favourite writers and bloggers we’ve spent the past 30 days or discussing how parents and/or families can or do impact our dating, relating and sexual lives. To cap off this month Skye and I sat down with MizzLoveLippz, a certified queen of online erotica, to talk Family Values and a couple of other topics along the way. Listen and enjoy. Cheers.

More Than Pillow Talk: Ep. 5

… in an era where hardcore porn is more freely and widely available via the internet than ever before, and where kids are therefore accessing it an earlier and earlier age than ever before, there is now an entire generation growing up that believes that what you see in hard core porn is the way that you have sex. – Cindy Gallop

As we’re smack dab in the middle of our month long discussion of how our family of origin and our upbringing shapes our sex, dating and relationship life, I thought it would be a good time to tell you about Cindy Gallop and her company MakeLoveNotPorn.

So who is Ms. Gallop and what is her site all about, you ask?

Will, Cindy Gallop is a self-described confident, mature and experienced older woman, a marketing and advertising expert, and the CEO and Founder of two companies, the most well known being MakeLoveNotPorn.  She is also a woman who chooses to date and sleep with younger men, specifically Gen Yers – men in their 20s. A fact that, unfortunately for her (and very fortunately for us), makes her particularly suited to creating a site like MakeLoveNotPorn.

You see folks, based on her penchant for much younger men, Ms. Gallop encounters the very real problem that virtually any women who chooses to bed a Gen Yer would face:

Dealing with a man who actually believes, in his heart of hearts no less, that to put in a good performance in the boudoir he needs to bang you like a porn star.

Much like the writers of these posts here and here, Ms. Gallop claims that on many occasions she’s had to politely decline her partners’ well intentioned attempts to treat her like a adult film star by offering to ‘cum on her face’.  In these likely awkward moments (if only for the party whose very kind offer has been summarily rejected), she quickly sets about reeducating, rehabilitating and reorienting her young partners about the shocking (for the man in question anyway) truth. Real life sex is not at all like the fantastical depictions of it featured in hard core porn.

Hardcore porn has become by default the sex education of today. – Cindy Gallop

Enter MakeLoveNotPorn, a site dedicated to debunking common myths – all truisms for most Gen Yers – about sex that are propagated by hardcore porn, by juxtaposing ‘Porn World’ myths with ‘Real World’ truths about sex. (And before the porn aficionados start hyperventilating, let me add that MakeLoveNotPorn is neither about passing judgment on what is “good” or “bad” sexually, nor is it anti-porn. Check it out for yourself, you’ll see.) Gallop made the bold decision to put up her own money to create her company and its accompanying website because of her concern and fears for our society. She simply couldn’t stomach the idea of a world where:

1. Young men everywhere believe – because hard core has taught them – that all women love it when men cum on their faces.
2. Young girls across the globe are acquiescing to having their boyfriends cum on their faces and acting as if they like it – even when they don’t – because hardcore porn has taught them that all men love cumming on women’s faces and that all (i.e. normal) women love it.

Cindy Gallop: Make Love Not Porn from L2 on FORA.tv

And based on the overwhelmingly positive response she and her site have received since she launched her company at TED 2009, it’s clear that she is not the only one who thinks Gen Yers lack of understanding of the difference between porn and real world sex is one of the most serious problems facing society today. (FYI: Hers was the most talked about presentation at TED that year, donations pour in everyday from all over the world, and she can’t keep up with the steady flow of emails offering praise and/or the stories of males and females alike who have encountered the ‘I fuck like a porn star’ problem.)

The average age that most kids first view porn: 11

The fourth most search term among seven year olds today – after Facebook, YouTube and Google: PORN

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. … The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.  -  Charles R. Swindoll

While I rarely quote the clergy, I agree with what Charlie boy stated above; that our attitude has a huge impact on how we experience life – our sex life especially. If our attitude is positive towards sex, chances are we will experiment and enjoy our experiences as a young adult. If our attitude is more negative our sexual experiences will likely be limited in our young adulthood or leave us racked with guilt and self-loathing.

But where do our respective attitudes come from?

Partly from our family, but we all know the slutty clergy man’s daughter or the frigid offspring of an aged hippy. As children become teenagers they are influenced by many people and factors. While some people believe that family has the largest influence on young adults, others – like me –  feel that friends have more influence on young adults. In fact, I propose that the attitude we have towards our own sexuality is most strongly influenced by that of our peers during our early teens…

First, while most young children spend the bulk of their time (excluding the hours they spend at school) with their family, which means their family exerts the greatest amount of influence on them, young adults spend the majority of their free time with their friends. Whether fighting against parental control or just trying to make friends, teenagers spend a great deal of time interacting with their peers as they develop their own sense of morals and values.

Second, peer pressure can be one of the strongest influences that teenagers face. Most new experiences that young adults have are the end result of peer pressure. What one teenager thinks is “cool” is forced on to others in order to fit in. (Admittedly, many parents may also encourage their children to conform, but it is usually for an entirely different reason: not wanting their children to embarrass them in any way. Sadly, peer pressure often continues to be a major influence, even into adult life.)

In short, while family influences children the most, as children grow up and become young adults their strongest influences are their friends. Teenagers spend the majority of their time with their peers, rather than family, so it is only natural that they exert more influence on them.

Peer pressure also causes most teenagers to do things to try and fit in with their peers, an influence that is usually much stronger than family. The fact that this influence is so strong at a time when they are undergoing puberty, developing curiosity towards sex and defining their own sexual identity ensures that it plays a huge role in shaping their attitudes towards sex. Their friends  during their young adulthood will likely shape their attitudes in ways that will likely change their experiences in (or out) of the bedroom (or dungeon) well into their adult lives.

So parents, my advice is to use peer pressure to your advantage. As you set about providing a sex positive example for your own children, pass it on to their friends as well. By doing so you’ll greatly increase the odds that one of your progeny’s BFFs – who will probably have the greatest impact on their attitudes towards sex – will one day ‘teach’ your kid(s) something they worked hard to ignore when it came out of the mouth of one of their old and (obviously) very out of touch parents.

Hey CoCo,

I’ve reached the end of my rope here so I’m asking for advice. I have always had a hard time having an orgasm even when I’m on my own. My best friend took me out one day and made me buy a vibrator and wow, I was hooked. My little device gives me big results and I really enjoy being able to come whenever I want to but….my boyfriend hates it. After a few weeks of wonderful but non-orgasmic sex I tried to introduce him to my little friend so we could all party together. Well, he let me know that my extras were neither needed nor wanted. Now I’m still not having orgasms and we’re both frustrated. Isn’t there any way that we can all just get along?

Frustrated

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Hey Frustrated,

I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. I know firsthand how emotions can flare when man meets machine. Would it be helpful to know that it’s not just you? It’s estimated that 75% of women cannot orgasm from penetrative sex alone. Oh men, please understand, we like your penises, we really do. They’re fun to play with and they feel fantastic, but the unfortunate truth is that most of the time they don’t make us come. Sure, some of us can use our hands (or yours) during intercourse and masturbate our way to orgasmic bliss. But some of us really do need our mechanical friends to help get us there.  Vibrators can be awkward, loud and fiddly, but they can also open up a world of fun and make your job soooo much easier.

In all seriousness, an issue like this requires a conversation. Reassure your BF that this is not a reflection on him and that he is not inadequate in any way. It would also be helpful for him to know that orgasm is difficult even when you’re on your own and that this has also been the case with other partners (say this even if it’s not true).  Make sure your BF knows that all your desire is for him and that while he is a living, breathing, really hot person your toy is just a tool.

Let him see how harmless it is by showing him what it feels like. Use it on his neck, back, inner thighs, penis and scrotum. Most men really enjoy the way vibrators feel once they give them a try! Tell him you’d like to show him how to use it on you and make him watch you the first time. Try to keep some eye contact with him, and if possible, physical contact so that you maintain a feeling of connectedness.  It’s very likely that your little performance will start to make him more accepting, turned on and curious.  If you want to go a second round after that then let him hold the toy and gently guide him through using it. The thrill of finally seeing you in the throes of orgasmic bliss from his own manipulations should be enough to change his mind.

Even Hello Kitty understands a girl may need a little battery operated help to reach orgasm.

If he still feels like it’s awkward then you can investigate a hands-free couples toy like a vibrating cock ring or the We-Vibe. These toys are designed to be used during intercourse with minimal hassle and they’ve rescued a lot of sex lives. Fair warning though, they do take some manoeuvring and they don’t work out for everyone. Another alternative is to get a handheld toy that is quieter, smaller, or whatever to make it easier for you and your man to use together.  Heck, even something as simple as purchasing a new toy together can make all the difference. That way it belongs to both of you and doesn’t seem like so much of an interloper.

I truly hope that these suggestions work and frankly I think that with most reasonable guys they absolutely will. However, there are some guys whose egos cannot seem to abide a sex toy. Odd as that is, you cannot go without orgasms simply to spare someone’s feelings. Put it in no uncertain terms.  Either one of you has orgasms or both of you do.  If he chooses himself over you then kick him to the curb. No one should come between you and your orgasm!

Love, CoCo

P.S.  Here’s a fun fact for ya Frustrated. Vibrators were first invented in the late 1800’s as a doctor’s aid.  Why you ask? Well, at that time female orgasm was thought not to exist and no one understood the function of the clitoris. As a result there was such an overload of sexually frustrated women that it became common practice for doctors to have to masturbate their female patients to orgasm just to “save their sanity”.

This “frustration” was called Hysteria by the medical community who believed that a woman’s uterus could become unhinged inside her body and travel around causing her to get cranky and irritable. The only cure was a seizure or “paroxysm” brought on by manipulating the genitals that would (temporarily) bring the uterus back to its rightful position. Women often received this procedure once a week and doctors found this ongoing female condition quite profitable.

I learned about sex the old fashioned way. I talked with friends about it. Or saw it in movies. Sometimes pornographic ones. Often these movies stimulated the sex related conversation among my peer group. Very little of what I learned about sex came from direct conversation with my parents or family. Instead, much of what I learned from my parents and elders about sex was gleaned indirectly, by watching and interpreting. And by listening to what wasn’t said as much as the very little that was.

Frankly, I think parents’ reluctance to talk sex with their children is fascinating. Parents weren’t born that big, they know all about the circle of life, and the birds and the bees. And for that matter the forest and the trees. They know that kids are going to be curious about sex.  But many avoid talking about it at any cost even though they have to know we’re going to get our information from our peers. Think about that for a second. If you’re upbringing and peer groups were anything like mine I’m sure your parents thought half your friends where good for nothing ne’er do wells who could only lead you into trouble. Yet they’d still rather let you/me/us learn about sex from drug dealing, kleptomaniac, hygiene averse Chet than themselves. It’s like they felt they themselves would catch an STI if they talked about sex.

So instead, we learn from Chet and halfwit Harry. And we watch our parents. We watch them squirm at the mention of sexual education in school. We hear the subtle but pointed references to “good girls don’t”. We learn that boys are only after one thing and just that one thing. We hear that if he loves you he’ll wait or that you should save it for someone you love. We hear about abstinence. We learn about sluts. We hear about studs. And then many of us learn about abortion the hard way.

And still, parents are afraid to talk about sex.

When I was a teenager my mother found a girlfriend’s bodysuit in my underwear drawer. Mom was apoplectic. She ranted something fierce. She went on and on about “these girls” and what “these girls” would do. I couldn’t quite make out what she meant by “these girls” and what she was so worried about. I mean she’d already kind of talked to me about sex and told me that though she didn’t believe in pre-marital sex she wasn’t a fool and proceeded to let me know where I could find condoms. I just didn’t see what the big deal was.

But sex was the big deal. Sex is always a big deal. My mother’s rants about “these girls” had nothing to do with the girls and everything to do with her fears around sex and the consequences of sex. And just like many parents my mom let that fear prevent her from talking with me openly and honestly about it. She understandably feared I wasn’t prepared, that I wasn’t ready. And maybe I wasn’t. But there’s only one way she would have known for sure and it wasn’t to lecture me about these girls.

For the month of November we’re going to explore this issue further, we’re going to examine how parents or families can and do shape our sexual attitudes and behaviour. We’re going to share anecdotes and provide useful information. We’re going to laugh. And maybe cry. So sit back. Relax. Welcome to Family Values month.

Christianity’s been around for 2000 years or so, give or take a few B.C.’s or A.D.’s. Judaism’s got about a thousand-year head start on its nerdy little brother. And Islam? Well, the word of Allah’s been on the scene for approximately 1400 years making it the youngest of our big three monotheistic religions.

Now, science tells us planet earth is four or five billion years old. And apparently, anatomically modern humans sprung from Africa’s loins about 200,000 years ago and reached behavioral modernity about 50,000 years back. You know what that means? For at least 48,000 years modern man was making the two-backed beast without exclaiming “Jesus Christ” or “Good God” at the point of ecstasy.

Makes you wonder what Fred Flintstone exclaimed when Wilma swallowed doesn’t it? Or what about Cleopatra? Did she call upon Amun-Ra or Atum-Ra when Mark Antony treated her clitoris like a jolly rancher? Did Alexander the Great call on Ares? Aphrodite? Aristotle? Plato? The possibilities are endless.

Today, our Judeo-Christian programming runs so deep that the non-believer probably invokes Jesus’ name just as often as the believer. Hell, Big J.C.’s name is likely called as often in Church as it is in the Brothel. But what does it all mean? What exactly are we trying to express when we let out an “amen sister” just before climax?

Luckily, MetAnotherFrog’s crack research team leaves no stone unturned, no crotch undisturbed and no wet spot neglected in the name of science, smut and frivolity (not necessarily in that order.) After painstakingly poring through volumes of data, the MAF Research Institute has compiled a list of the most popular religious sexual related terms or orgasmic exclamations–what we call Cumphrases–translating them from Christian religion-ese into plain old (non-drag) Queen’s English. Below is a portion of our findings.

CUMPHRASE #1: OH GOD!

This one’s a classic. And works well regardless of faith, colour, creed, or denomination. Not sure if your one-night stand reads the Torah or the Qu’ran? No problem, a well placed “Oh God” lets them know they’re pushing the right buttons and have helped to facilitate spiritual and sexual ecstasy. It is the Swiss Army knife of cumphrases. Can be used in combination with non-religious sexual terminology like “yes” or “more” or “harder”.

**Warning. The ubiquity of the “Oh God” makes it a favourite of a species of sexual charlatan more commonly known as the orgasm faker. If your partner is giving you an “Oh God” while reading a magazine or clipping coupons he/she might be faking. Tsk, tsk. However, if a “yes”, “more” or “harder” is thrown in there as well you’re likely dealing with a genuine “Oh God”. Keep up the good work.**

CUMPHRASE #2: JESUS!

This cumphrase is usually delivered in rapidly whispered bursts as if the user just bit into a scotch bonnet pepper and is trying desperately to cool the flames. If your partner is dropping “Jesus” all over the place, rest assured you’re bringing the heat. Let me emphasize again that delivery is important on this one. If it’s delivered loudly, or in a monotone, or even worse, in a loud monotone, you might have a sexual charlatan on your hands. Or Ted Haggard.

CUMPHRASE #3: JESUS CHRIST!

This means one or more of the following (and probably a host of others that didn’t make this list): You came too fast. Used too much teeth. Not enough lube. Pulled a starfish. Pulled a muscle. Pulled too hard on his joint. Drew blood. Tried an unauthorized back door entry. Or you remind him/her of Ted Haggard.

This is not a good look at all.

CUMPHRASE #4: OHMIGOD!

Delivered with the same cadence as the “Jesus”, the “Ohmigod” is the sexual equivalent of a marriage proposal: Women hyperventilate and can’t wait to tell their friends about it (“Guuurrrl, that boy knows how to work it!”) while men fret because they swear they’re gonna wet themselves. This one’s a winner and very hard to simulate. Only Meryl Streep level sexual charlatans can successfully fake this one. Pat yourself on the back.

CUMPHRASE #5: OH…MY…(FUCKIN’)…GAAAAAWWWWD.

Mexico. 1986. World Cup of Soccer. Diego Maradona, playing along side a bunch of plumbers, paper boys and vagrants (okay, slight exaggeration) leads Argentina’s national team to glory, claiming the FIFA World Cup Trophy while exhibiting poise, preternatural vision, unparalleled skill and virtuosity. Along the way he scores a goal known world wide as “La Mano de Dios”. Hand of God. Maradona may or may not be the greatest footballer in the history of the game. But for one month, in the hot Mexican summer, he was transcendent. Perfection. Mischievous. Ecstasy in a pair of soccer boots. If your partner utters this cumphrase with a deep belly-born “Gaaaaawwwwwd” as punctuation, you are the sexual equivalent of Maradona ’86; you possess the (sexual) Hand of God my friend, you possess the Hand of God.

It’s been a while since we’ve featured a super sex positive mover and shaker here on the blog, so I’m delighted to introduce you all to Ms. Cynthia Loyst.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with that name, Cynthia is an advice columnist, certified life and relationship coach, and television producer/host. Her work in television includes a long stint as the supervising producer for the award-winning and internationally syndicated documentary series SexTV, in addition to more recently producing and hosting Sex Matters. She’s is a multi-faceted woman whose work revolves around thinking about, researching, and questioning cultural notions of love and sexuality. And I was lucky enough to sit down with her recently for a chat about sex and relationships in our changing society…

Skye: What first piqued your interest and passion for all things sex?

CL:  I think what happened for me, happens to a lot of people who are raised in a religious environment. I was brought up Catholic, and so very early on I started questioning notions around women’s role in the Bible, women’s role in the church and ideas and restrictions around sex and sexuality. To me it seemed there was a missing link between what was being taught to us, and what I kind of knew was happening around me within people’s lived real experiences.

So for example, the Bible or our school would put out this message that you should only have sex for procreation. And I remember that once as a very young kid saying to my parents, “Does that mean you only had sex twice?”, because I have a sister. I asked that question to provoke, because a lot of the things that I was seeing in the Catholic religion, where people were choosing what they wanted to do or adopt and take on – kind of  “choose your own religion” style – really, really bothered me: especially when it came to sex and sexuality. I found it all really contradictory.

As I got a bit older, I also couldn’t understand their notions around homosexuality, because I was becoming friends with people who identified as gay. I identified as someone who was interested in female sexuality and other girls as well.

So, from a very young age I was questioning and then researching. It sort of all came to a head when my sister got pregnant when I was sixteen, and she had just turned nineteen. I thought “Here’s the result or what could happen when you don’t talk to your kids about sex at all and the school system doesn’t support them”. After witnessing that I sort of made it my aim to provide really good sexuality information. And I think had I not gone into film and television to be the vehicle for that, I would have gone into therapy.

Skye: You mentioned growing up Catholic just now. Were you not at all affected by the guilt and shame around sexuality that is typically experienced by people of your faith?

Cynthia: Oh no. I once had a lot of Catholic guilt, particularly around masturbation. I discovered masturbation when I was really young and what I learned in school about it being wrong stayed with me until I was about 12. I think that all changed when I read somewhere, probably in the textbook of a friend who attended public school, and noticed that it said, “Masturbation is totally natural and normal unless it’s against your religion”. I read that and thought I bet it’s against my religion because no one ever talks about it. Then I started to ask myself how could it be natural and normal for everyone, unless it was against your religion? I couldn’t marry those two ideas, but there was no one to go and talk to about it.

So I ended up feeling very resentful and bitter about that fact. Even though there was still shame attached to it, I think because my spirit was a bit rebellious, along with the shame there was an attitude of fuck this! I don’t care if it’s supposed to be shameful. I can’t believe that this is a bad thing for me.

Skye: Your June 9^th Sex Matters show was about technology and cheating, and Cory Silverberg your guest said that although technology was not making people cheat, it was making cheating easier, as being in close proximity with someone was not longer necessary in order to cheat. In speaking with Jocelyn Wentland, sex researcher – her findings regarding technology was that it “appears to be allowing women more freedom in terms of initiating dates with new partners in a way that isn’t seen when we look at the traditional means of initiating dates (i.e. in person or on the phone).” Do you think the freedoms technology brings to the dating scene are outweighed by the increased risk of infidelity?

CL: I wouldn’t necessarily have connected those two dots, as they’re completely different issues to me and both women and men benefit in some ways from technology in the dating scene.  Also, with online dating, texting and other forms of technology there are a lot of drawbacks – cheating included – when it comes to dating.

Here’s how I would connect the dots. The instant rush we all get in the moment we receive an email, a facebook message, a tweet, a text or whatever, can be very addictive. And it can also suck you in and give you a sense of false intimacy a lot sooner than if you were spending real time together.

Today you can be anywhere, anytime and be in constant contact. It does tend to be a little bit addictive and compulsive for lots of people. It’s easy to be pulled in by the false sense of intimacy and I think that can be detrimental to getting to know someone. The question is what are you really attracted to at that time? Is it the rush you get as you receive the next message or is it about spending time with them to get a sense of their little quirks? Technology provides a very narrow and potentially addictive window through which to get to know somebody.

But the upside of technology whether you’re single or in a relationship is that you can be a bit sexier. You can be bolder by using technology to send messages that you may not feel comfortable saying. Things like: “I’m thinking about your fill-in-the-blank body part right now”. You probably wouldn’t say that over the phone, but you might send a message like that. So I think technology has the power to put you into places sexually that you wouldn’t otherwise have thought about, which can be great. But it can also be a bit misleading and get you into hot water – if you’re cheating or presenting yourself in a way that isn’t really who you are.

Skye: Cory also said that what constitutes cheating in a given relationship is dependent upon the rules a given couple has in their relationship as to what acts/behaviours amount to a break down in trust. He also added that not everyone who is married follows the same rules regarding monogamy and that our collective belief that we all do monogamy the same way is misguided. Based on that why do you think so many people hang on to the belief that there is only one way to do monogamy and tend to come down so hard on public figures for what at first glance to someone outside of their relationship seems to be cheating?

CL:  I think we cling to the idea of monogamy because our entire culture, if not most of the world, supports and bolsters this idea of “the one” and till death do us part. From childhood on we see and hear fairy tales, books, music, and films supporting this idea of your “one true love”. We don’t hear a lot about triads or polyamorous relationships. (laughs) And we don’t hear about open relationships or the third on the side – outside of scenarios involving cheating or betrayal – so I think that people have false ideas and expectations about what is really happening in the world and what it means to have a successful partnership.

I also think we all suffer from these deep insecurities as sexual beings. We always want to know what is normal, so we can feel that we’re part of the normal range. I’m always fascinated when people seem so concerned with questions like, what is the average amount of sex people are having per week? Or how many sex partners do people have on average before they get married? That’s what mainstream culture finds interesting, because they want to cross compare.

Also, as a culture we love our quick fixes. We want five easy steps to lose weight, look younger or to get to some other place, and have it all work out. So I think that we want that in terms of our relationships as well, and everybody thinks that they want monogamy, because that’s what society has presented as the most normal and workable option.

But now the cracks in that idea are starting to show through. More and more with public figures, primarily men, have failed at their relationships in these bombastic, very public ways. The public is quick to condemn them as terrible people or sex addicts, but the question that should be asked is this: are all these sex scandals just reminders that monogamy for 20, 30, 40, 50 years is not necessarily a workable situation?

What we’re finding out now, is that what all these sociobiologists, evolutionary theorists and the like were saying about monogamy being in our “nature” really isn’t true. There’s a really good book called Sex At Dawn that is debunking this idea. Still we’re not seeing examples of loving, positive and healthy non-monogamous relationships in the mainstream culture. It may change in the next generation, but I doubt it. People have a hard enough time being accountable to their loved ones – family, friends, etc. – as it is now. It takes a lot of effort to make monogamy work – which is why we see so much cheating. But it takes even more effort to make non-monogamy to work. Most people aren’t ready to have the type of open, honest conversations it takes to do monogamy well, much less non-monogamy.

Skye: In the Globe and Mail article ‘Buddies in Bed Times: The Growing Appeal of Sex Without Commitment’ you stated that the growing trend of having casual sex is “…less about perpetual adolescence and more a reflection of cynicism or realism around marriage and monogamy. More people are choosing not to put all their eggs in the marriage basket. Many couples I know are starting to think about and discuss the limitations of sex till death do us part.” We are now living in a time when there are more single than married people living in most Western world countries. Do you think the cynicism you spoke of will result in an ever increasing number of singles across the globe, or simply more couples choosing to redefine what marriage and commitment means to them?

CL: I think we’ll always want to be committed to people to some degree, and whether those are short term commitments or long term ones I think getting to know people – our friends, our lovers – we as humans like to pair bond in that way. So I hope it’s not just going to be an ever growing cynicism that keeps people floating from lover to lover without any kind of depth. I think that would be a sad state of affairs.

I think what we’ll see are more people like myself. I’ve been with my common law partner for 11 years and right from the get go we were having discussions about what it meant to be in a monogamous relationship. It wasn’t an easy discussion to have at first, particularly for him, but over the years we’ve kept the conversation going and it’s become more comfortable.

So I think you’ll see people staying in long term relationships because it’s meaningful to them, but they might also have partners on the side at different points in their lives. Will they choose to disclose that to their partners? Maybe depending on the agreements they have. Will they invite people into their bedrooms? Possibly. People – at least modern urban people – will start defining their relationships in ways that work best for them. But there will also be a ton of people that will never, ever even consider doing do anything like that.

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Be sure to come back tomorrow for Part 2 of my chat with Cynthia, when we discuss societal attitudes towards sex, masturbation and pleasure; what it takes to maintain a solid sexual relationship with your partner; and all our inner spaces.

“Come and talk to me” said the Ladies of London Town…

And with a bit of sauce and a lot of swagger the Gentlemen of this fine city replied, “Why we’d be delighted.” That’s the equivalent of a “Hell Yeah” in American.

However, madness descended…

Last week saw a low point in the history of my city of residence. Something I hope our readers recognise as the few blighting the lives and reputations of the many. I would like to say I’m a believer in “least said, soonest mended” but in this instance I have offered my opinion (a.k.a. ranted unabashed) for the past four days, so I will stick to the point and the bright side here.

So, in spite of it all, the delightful Sh! Girlz were happy to proceed with our event at their Portobello Road store last Thursday. There were still a few brave women willing to venture out, and even braver men all too happy to stand up and perform to our selected crowd.

These elite chaps entertained our delighted ladies with tales of travels and talk of conversations past, present and future. Much to the joy of our audience we found both our imagination and intellect stimulated (with a good dose of partial male nudity thrown in for good measure).

Only two competed, but having heard them both – it’s fair to say they were likely the best London had to offer for aural treats anyway… If you beg to differ we’ll be back for another competition so you better be willing to prove yourself!

Not to limit our ladies to such a short affair, when they had braved the wilds of urban London, we also had a reading from Maxim Jakubowski’s upcoming novel “Ekaterina and the Night”; before our judges took to the stage to present the grand prize and their critique for our orators…

It’s fair to say they were thorough in their feedback and wise in their words. Judgement coming from the delightful Sarah Berry of Fannying Around and the delectable Rubyyy Jones.

After all this stimulation (and champagne, and cupcakes – those Sh! girlz throw a great do!) everyone headed upstairs for some retail therapy.

Which leads me to my off topic tie in… The Tenga Egg.

It’s always a nice gesture when you gift your lover with a handjob; especially when it’s as the entirety of the act and not as a warm up gesture. It’s even better when you lube up your palms, and thanks to a demo from Joanna we all learned how to give our men the “Rolls Royce” version with the tricksy little egg. Inside is a pocket of joy for wanking off your man – which in the words of Rubyyy Jones “must feel like fucking into forever”.

So the next time civil unrest keeps you locked indoors have this trick up your sleeve to while away the evenings in. And there will be another “Come and Talk to Me”, next time to be just as riotous but without the rioting…

I like vanilla. This thought occurred to me while I was on a date at Toronto’s Waterfront Night Market. E, my date and clubhouse leader in the if-Sam-Sharpe-exchanges-his-bachelor-card-for-doting-husband-status-she’s-getting-the-call sweepstakes, is Chinese and wanted me to savour and experience a little taste of what an Asian Night Market has to offer. I ate more chicken skewers and Asian takes on pulled pork than necessary but I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Though I could do without fending off the relentlessly sour and putrid odour of stinky tofu.

Anyway. I stood before an ice cream vendor debating which bacon accented (yes, bacon) ice cream to order and actually thought to myself:

“Sometimes too much choice is worse than no choice. Whatever happened to just plain old vanilla?”

There are obvious parallels to dating and sex at work here. I mean, as I wandered through the night market it was often difficult to decide whose skewers to eat, or whose bao to sample so I ended up trying as many as I could. They were all delicious, many of them fancily presented, decked out as they were in the culinary equivalents of a three-piece suit. In the end, my favourite was one vendor’s simple pork in a bun. No muss no fuss.

So after carefully considering the virtues of one ice cream flavour over another I decided against having ice cream altogether. Why? Because at that very moment I desperately wanted some good old fashioned vanilla, and this particular vendor didn’t have it. How did I know vanilla was what I wanted? Well, after spending the evening being adventurous and trying everything under the sun I just wanted something plain and simple.

Like vanilla.

That’s the thing about ice cream. That’s the thing about food. That’s the thing about anything. The more you try, the more you know what you like. And you never know, after experimenting with breath play, wading into the BDSM pool or attending a Swingers’ party you might just figure out if you’d rather do vanilla than pralines and cream. (For an interesting and adult take on the virtues of what many consider to be “vanilla sex” read this.)

So, as an intro to our Anything But Vanilla month, I want to urge you all to open your minds and experiment a little with sex. Not because there’s anything wrong with being Vanilla, but because you might learn something new, fun and crazy that makes your particular brand of vanilla a little extra tasty. Like putting a chocolate sprinkle, cherry or double-headed dildo on top.

The Insomnia Club is back and this month’s theme is Summer Flings. Follow the #InsomniaClub on Twitter to read what our fellow Insomniac’s have to say.

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Summer flings. They are all memorable aren’t they? At least for me they are. Or were. I’ve had the vacation fling, the just for summer until I/they go back to school fling and the just because we can fling. But the most memorable? That has to be my “can we really call this a fling” fling. Don’t follow? Well, the fling I’m speaking of was with my girlfriend.

At the beginning of a summer, two plus years into our relationship, JP made the difficult decision to pursue her dreams overseas. We decided to break up.

About a week later we changed our minds. We figured it made more sense to enjoy the time we had left together, to continue being with each other until we just couldn’t anymore. Things didn’t have to be different. At least that’s what we told ourselves. And it made sense.

We would continue to talk to each other the way we always had. We’d go to the cinema with my cousin and his girlfriend the way we always had. We’d play basketball on Friday evenings the way we always had. We’d hit the clubs the way we always had. We’d fall into each other’s arms laughing at each other’s lame jokes the way we always had. We would kiss each other the way we always had. We’d love as we always had.

But putting a time limit, an expiration date on a relationship changes things.

You become hyper-aware of everything; every conversation, every glance, every argument, every…thing took on a different shape, a different character. All of a sudden goodnight kisses were no longer just goodnight kisses but referendums on how we felt about each other. Or how much one would miss the other. Or how long it would take one to forget the other.

As the days flew by, professions of love increased. She never stopped reminding me how much she was going to miss me. How she would never have had the guts to leave and pursue her dreams without my support. I hugged her tighter and tighter as June turned into July into August. And I contemplated packing up my sh** and following her around the globe.

Our last night together was classic us; we followed up dinner at one of our favourite restaurants with a late night movie. We laughed all the way home. We went for a late night walk around my neighbourhood and we playfully undressed each other at the very end of the night. It was perhaps the only night in my whole life more memorable for the post sex cuddling than the actual sex.

It was also excruciating.

I still remember the wetness of her kiss. I still remember the feeling of her back and the curve of her spine pressed against my body. I still remember waking up in the middle of the night, listening to her breathe and being terribly afraid I would wake her.

But most of all I remember knowing I would never feel love like this again.