In December, when Elizabeth Rose came up with the idea that each of us should write a Best of 2011 recap posts this month, Sam and I readily agreed. And when she wisely suggested that we should also have one of our fave tweeps write one too, within about two seconds flat we came to a unanimous decision about who that should be…

The one and only Ms. Nikki B.

As far as we’re concerned there are very few other (if any) bloggers out there who have shown us some much love, so consistently. I mean who else…

Shows up almost every day to leave us comments that read like short essays?

Retweets us like it’s their part time job?

Is always – and I mean always (to date she’s never said no) – up for the challenge of penning yet another original post for us whenever we come a calling?

No. One.

For us it was a no brainer. Our darling Nikki was the best and only choice. And as is her habit, she came through for us  in grand style.

Now, bear with me. Just one last thing before we get to her post.

We’d like to send out a heartfelt THANK YOU to Nikki, for all her love, support and even the rants

In gratitude,

The Met Another Frog Crew

–

I started blogging for a single reason: Because a friend and I had some really strange dating experiences, and we wanted to talk about them.

It really was as simple as that. And, yeah, I know – we were SO original!

However. After almost two years of doing this (damn how time flies), that original impetus seems small and far away. Yes, I learned that we were not alone in the weird dating behavior of others, but my blogging experience quickly became far, far more than that.

I never, ever, notinamillionyears expected where entering into the blogging community would take me, or what it would give back.

And that is what it is. A community. I’ve conversed (even if it was just via tweets!) with so many new people. They’ve engaged me on many different levels, from the odd tweet, right on through to putting up with random rants (holla Ms. Blue) in e-mail form. I’ve met people I actually feel like I know even though…well, we’ve never met.

Even though they don’t even know who I really am (…creeper much? Yep that’s me.)

Ms. Blue summed how I feel about it nicely in this post:

“Realizing how much I don’t know about sex, dating and relationships: You’re reading the words of a lifelong learner here, and I honestly didn’t know just how much there was to know before this little blog came to be. I’ve got a lot to learn, people; which means I’m going to be doing this blog thing for quite a while – a very, very long while.”

I have been educated and enlightened and challenged (and even called names)… but it’s been really eye-opening.

My relationship with Met Another Frog has been a core part of that experience. One thing I absolutely adore about them is they take all that dating stuff to a whole new level of awesome. Sure, they talk about dating, and sex, but go well beyond conventional boundaries. Moreover, they search for more than their own opinions – always inviting guest bloggers and interviewing key voices in all things sex-positive.

So when they asked me to pick my favs from 2011, I said hells yeah.

Which was, as it turns out, a completely ridiculous response.

Any idea how hard it is, out of all the awesome content they have over here, to pick only four posts?? Out of an entire year?? I was an idiot to agree to this!

So. To help me out a bit, I decided to pick posts that I found unique or really spoke to me personally.

I also… kind of cheated. Just a little bit. Look, peeps, when I tried to narrow it down the first time, I ended up with two pages of links. Ok?

Well. Here you have it. My choice for not-to-miss posts of 2011…

The Man Sam Sharpe

Hear ye, hear ye, Sharpies: There were a lot of posts I almost chose from Mr. Sharp – and I will bet you’ll be surprised by the one I went with. In the end, I had to applaud him for loving the nonconventional, the things we love that don’t fit the cookie-cutter version of what we’re supposed to: Breaking the Rules of Attraction

Ms. Blue

Skye did a lot of experimenting and pushing herself this past year, in addition to exploring, while not necessarily participating some kinky worlds. One of the great posts, IMHO, to come out of that process was the following, which not only made the point that “normal” people may have some ridic kink behind their closed doors, but also asked what would happen if we were more open about our sexual fantasies and less judgmental of others. This, of course, also begs the question: what, really, is “normal”?

Elizabeth Rose

My choice for Ms. Rose is one that’s completely personal. Girl wrote some great stuff (swing injuries, anyone?), but, in the end, I went with one that spoke straight to my heart, in terms of dating, and how other people kind of “interfere with my mojo”: One Plus One

Guest post:

Again, this shiz was hard mothafucka. The Met Another Frog team had some awesome guest posts up, and it took me a long time to narrow it down. However, this one was so awesome at getting to other people’s issues regarding kink, I l-o-v-e-d it: How to Dom Me More Than Once.

Ok. Now for the cheating part.

What about all the awesomesauce interviews? The podcasts? Full Frontal Nerdity? Love CoCo? Hot Debate Wednesdays (what ever happened to those, anyway?) Can’t I pick a couple of those? So, you know, I did.

I loved this interview with one of the founders Fuck Club, simply because it talked about things I had not heard before, and made me want a Fuck Club in my neck of the woods.

I also had to go with this fantastic debate on whether or not bi guys were datable, simply because it really got to the root of the issue: Ladies, Would You Date a Bi Guy

And, finally, I know this is also on bi-guys, but this podcast just made me laugh and laugh.

Thank you all for an awesome year! I can’t wait to see what you’ve got in store for us in 2012!

As much like my buddy Sam, I don’t put much stock in the New Year’s Resolution hype, this one is going to be short and sweet. You see, I believe that the reassessment and reflection that generally manifests outwardly as new found resolve to get one’s house in order on an annual basis around this time, should happen time and time again throughout the entire year. But let me get down of my soapbox and do what I came here to do.

I, Ms. Blue, resolve to…

Stop being a chicken shit in 2012 and take action on fulfilling my two biggest sexual fantasies.

Now, I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of either of them here, but I will say this. One requires two other (ideally well muscled and very erect *ahem*) bedmates, while the other will require me to pitch instead of receive. (In case you haven’t been tracking my every sexual want and desire on this blog – which begs the question why not, but I digress – read this and this for further details). So, today I’m making a promise to myself – with all of you as my witnesses – to spend the next year working hard to be as:

1. Shameless as Mr. Sharpe (although I may be kidding myself, because at times his flagrance is off the charts)
2. Revolutionary (both figuratively and literally) as our inventive sexual maverick, Elizabeth Rose

As I work toward my goal of achieving maximum sexual fulfillment.

And, I’m happy to report that I’m already on my way – at least with respect to my pitching fantasy. Over the holidays I took a trip to Come As You Are, a local sex shop here and I picked up a rather smashing leather harness and dildo. They are in a word…beautiful. No?

I promise to share the details…well, on second thought, perhaps only the highlights (yep, I’ve still got a long way to go with the shameless thing – assuming posting pics of one’s sex toys online doesn’t count) with you as soon as I get the job done.

Till next time,

SB

P.S. Just in case they’re any men out there (who live in the GTA – though I do thank the slew of European gents who’ve offered themselves up in the past) who think they’d like to help make my ‘sex fantasy come true’, feel free to shoot a coupon like the one at the top of the post (sans the cheesy rose) to our me via email: info at met another frog dot com. What?…You didn’t expect me to not take advantage of the captive audience we have here did you?

“A friend in need is a friend indeed.” – Old school proverb

Some of you dear readers may have been wondering where I have been lately, while others – dare I say most of you – likely haven’t even noticed my recent absence from our prose based relationship. And if you fall into the latter camp I have three words for you:

Shame on you!

But for the benefit of those of you who actually care I have an explanation for being M.I.A.

I am on a sabbatical that came about due to a rather unexpected event: one which leaves me in some difficulty to ably communicate with all of you. Frankly, it’s a tad on the embarrassing side. But since I am here at Met Another Frog and therefore among friends, who like to over-share, I may as well tell you.

You see, like any good slut, I live alone. Not in the cat lady sense of alone, but more in an “I enjoy walking around naked” sort of way. As one would expect I like to be joined by random men in my nudity, which of course would make house mates somewhat tense. A previous house sharing adventure ended quickly after her mother came to visit and entered the kitchen just as one of my visitors was cumming. Terribly upsetting for the poor chap as he was fulfilling a fantasy to take me up against the kitchen sink, while wearing nothing but an apron and a pair of marigolds. I don’t think his fantasy included a sweet old dear in a cardigan shrieking from the doorway and then passing out. It was a bit of an overreaction on her part. I expect my mother would have seen the funny side (since it was the gentleman who was in the apron and marigolds, not I).

Anyway, I digress, which is much easier than usual as I am actually dictating this missive. You see I have hurt myself, not fatally, but badly enough to prevent me typing much for the next couple of months while I heal. In my professional life – and you may be surprised that I have one which doesn’t involve street corners, lingerie as a uniform or “bunga-bunga” style parties – I have not told the truth about my injury. I believe I lied and told folks I fell.

I didn’t, I was in fact checking the installation of my latest gadget / toy. An add on to the love swing that I keep in my spare room.

My love swing is A.W.E.S.O.M.E. It has inspired me to start saving for a commercial flight to space so I can experience zero-G sex. But my British inventor streak span out of control a little bit…

I may have watched a few too many theatrical pornos.

I may have spent a long and virtually sleepless night flipping through the pictures in the Karma Sutra…again.

Because, one morning I awoke with an ingenious plan.

I Elizabeth Rose was going to design and create a…

Cock Spinner.

What exactly is a cock spinner you ask? Dear readers, imagine this…

As I dangle from my swing, impaled by my partner’s penis (keeping arms and legs inside the vehicle of course), while as he lays on his back on what can only be described as a giant pottery wheel. Now, here’s the trick. While I gently bounce up and down, he slowly spins beneath me, giving an almost “Rabbit” effect with a real live penis. Admit it – you are both intrigued and amazed by my sexual brilliance.

Anyway, I decided to invest in my gadgetry. After it was installed, I conducted some component testing and then had my first “live” run with a rather burly rugby chap. He had a good sized bit of equipment which I thought would be perfect to anchor myself on as we both got acclimatized to the spin and bounce action. Also he was an engineer, and I was desperate to show off my design to someone who would appreciate it on all levels.

After some time spent marvelling at the creativity and ingenuity behind my invention, we spent even more time marvelling at its capabilities as a great sex aid. He was spinning himself around by walking his feet on the floor as the motor wasn’t quite powerful enough to shift his bulk (a small and completely fixable technical glitch!). I was merrily dangling ass first in blissful penetration when we both started to climax. It was a good powerful crescendo which resulted in my partner-in-the-sublime reaching up and grabbing my arm.

It’s an understandable reaction. I don’t blame him for waiting to touch me – I think it was actually my breast he was going for. But as he took hold with an orgasmic rigour, I got tangled in my swing, he kept spinning around, and something went pop. My arm was suddenly white hot with pain that I could neither articulate, nor free myself from. The rest is somewhat cloudy, but I believe the chap was kind enough to lift me off his cock, cut me out of the swing straps, clothe me, wrap me in a dressing gown and drive me to a local A&E (the emergency room). He did leave me there to explain it myself, but who can blame him.

So turns out, I dislocated my shoulder and fractured some additional bones in the process. I had to talk to a social worker about domestic abuse since the bruise came up in the shape of a hand print quite swiftly. (At that point I was very pleased that my engineering Casanova had already exited stage left).

Quite the sex injury and story, to say the least. I have told most folks in my life that I fell on the ice outside a tube station, so only you know the truth. Well you all, the penis owner who caused it, and the handy man that came to help me dismantle my swing and wheel contraption before a family visit over Christmas. (He’s a very handy man – in all the best possible ways. He’s volunteered to try out the next model of my gadget as well as assist in some “pain relief” during my convalescence. Actually he’s even typing this up for me, so I probably should say more lovely things about him, but I wouldn’t want him to get too big for his boots.)

There you are my friends. I was at the cutting edge of sexual experimentation, and I took a bit of an injury for it. I’ll be back on occasion in the months while I heal, but rest assured I am in good hands.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Okay folks. Yesterday, when we left off  Sanna was just about to enter Del’s dressing room, and you know what that means, right? Today we get to the good part…

–

Sanna nodded her thanks and pushed the door open. As soon as she stepped into the room, she spotted Del reclining in a chair in front of a floor length mirror. Although he had seen her enter the room he didn’t immediately turn to greet her. Instead he studied the reflection of her face in silence as he put his cigarette out in the ashtray on the table beside him. And when he finally spun around in his chair to face her, he gave her a quick once over, grunting his approval. Then he grinned, stood and strode towards her, offering his hand. “Hi. Del. You are?”

As Sanna took his hand an image of one just like it resting on her head as she lapped at a gargantuan, dark chocolate cock, flooded her mind and her mouth began to water. She asked herself the same question she’d been pondering for years.  Just what would it feel like to have a big black boner stuffed into her mouth for her to milk with wild abandon? “I’m Sanna. Good to meet you,” she said beaming up at him.

“Did you enjoy yourself tonight?” Del asked, turning toward to the mini bar.

As he walked away from her, Sanna’s eyes lighted on his firm round ass, and she pictured her delicate hands grasping its cheeks, as she bucked against him. With each thrust of his hips she pulled him deeper inside her, her pussy stretched and filled to the brim by the dusky girth and length of his dick. ”Yes, you put on quite a show out there.” She was keenly aware of the moistness mounting between her thighs. “But what I’m really looking forward to is your second act.”

Del turned his head to look at her, one eyebrow arched high. “Is that so?”

She ran her fingers through her hair, a shiver of lust rushing through her as she envisioned his long fingers entwined in her straw coloured mane while he pounded her from behind. Just the idea of being taken by someone so different; so much of everything she was not – broad, butch and undeniably black – made her dizzy with excitement. Sanna took a deep breath. “Uh huh. And based on what I saw earlier tonight, I’m expecting another great performance.”

“In that case you definitely won’t be disappointed. I pride myself on my work ethic and I’ve been honing my craft for years, so I never miss,” Del said, smirking as he poured scotch into a tumbler. “Care for a drink, Sanna?”

Now that she was alone with him, Sanna wasn’t at all interested in wasting any time downing high-priced liquor. “No, I’m not thirsty,” she said. Then, when she was sure he had noticed her eyes roaming over his body she added, “Well, actually I am, just not for alcohol.”

Del leaned against the bar and took a long sip of his scotch. “By all means Sanna, do tell. Exactly what is it that you’re thirsty for?”

Sanna licked her lips, and then coyly lowered her eyes to a point just below his waist. “Perhaps, some hot chocolate?”

“Sorry, don’t think I have any here.” Del smiled wickedly. “At least not the kind that’s served in a cup.”

Sanna stroked her chin and looked directly into his eyes. “Then you’ll just have to find something else to please me, won’t you?”

Del tipped his glass to his lips, gulping down all that remained of the amber liquid it contained. Then as he put the empty glass down on the bar he said, “Hmmm…Was that my cue to start the second act?”

Sanna nodded slowly. “Yeah, I think so.”

In an instant he was right next to her, lifting her into his arms. He carried her over to the couch in the far corner of the room and gently lay her down on her back. As he pulled her mini skirt and panties down over her hips, she untied her halter top, freeing her breasts from the scant bit of fabric.

Del’s eyes and hands swept over her naked body. “You’re beautiful.”

“Thank you,” she whispered as his lips found one of her nipples. She arched her back, pressing her body into his, but as he trailed kisses across her abdomen, working his way down to her throbbing mound, she took his face in her hands to stop him.

“Something wrong?” he asked, raising his head to look into her eyes

She tugged at his shirt. “Take your clothes off.”

“A woman who’s not afraid to ask for what she wants, I like that,” Del said, rising to his feet.

Sanna sat up quickly, her eyes exploring his chiselled torso as he peeled off his shirt, her breath catching in her throat as his fingers found the waist of his jeans. She clutched her chest, sure that her heart was going to pound right through it as his jeans fell in an unceremonious heap at his feet. And from the moment her mind registered the fact that his gleaming white boxer briefs were the only thing separating her from his bulging erection, Sanna’s whole body quivered with yearning. As Del, eased his fingers under the waistband of his briefs Sanna leapt of the couch, dropped to her knees in front of him, and hauled his underwear down to his ankles, revealing her prize. The magnificent ebony rod her dreams were made of.

“Alright now. You were clearly more than a little anxious for the big reveal,” Del said, in a tone that betrayed his shock.

But Sanna failed to notice. She was completely engrossed in the process of paying tribute to his positively perfect penis. With her tiny hands wrapped firmly around the weight of his erection, she planted hungry kisses up and down the length of his shaft, all the while chanting the same two words over and over again…

“It’s true! It’s true! It’s true!”

Tonight (under the slightly modified moniker I recently decided to adopt), I’m posting the piece of erotica I read when I popped my open mic cherry with last week. It’s based, however loosely, on the story at the top of this post right here, though I turned things around by telling the tale from the other side. Anyhoo, I hope you all enjoy it…

–

Sanna tilted her face upwards as her heavy eyelids fluttered open, her eyes resting on the face of the man singing on stage. To Sanna, everything about Del Simpson, lead singer of The Deltones, an up and coming blues band from Memphis, was not only exotic but also exceptionally beautiful. The skin stretched taut over his muscular form was as dark as hers was light, the hair of his perfectly coiffed afro as curly as her white blond shoulder length locks were straight. Just thinking about his large dark coco brown frame laying next her small alabaster hued one, sent a spine tingling jolt through her entire body. Sanna sighed as she tore her eyes away from his face to suss out her competition. As she expected a sea of pretty blond heads, likely all after the same thing she was, filled the dimly lit room.

Sorry girls, but the best woman will win tonight. I always do.

She turned back toward the stage, just in time to lock eyes with Del. As he sang the last few lines of a foot stomping tune, his eyes ran over her face, eventually falling to linger appreciatively on her full breasts and tiny waist. Sanna flashed him a knowing smile, glad she’d opted to wear her baby blue halter and matching mini skirt that night. And when he got down on one knee to serenade her as the next song started, she knew she had him. Now it was just a matter of waiting, and wait she would. But not here, in the thick of the mob of women vying for his attention. He’d finally noticed her, or more correctly chosen her, so she now had the option of watching him from a distance. She’d hooked up with musicians in the past and she knew how they operated. He’d be sure to send someone to find her once his set had ended, and she didn’t want to be a hot sweaty mess when he did. So she stole one last glance at him, and then headed for the bar.

As Sanna sat perched on a bar stool, sipping wine and listening to Del croon yet another lovely blues ballad, she thought about the long bus ride she had taken from Rättvik, the tiny town she lived in, to come to the Åmål’s Blues Fest: one of Sweden’s foremost summer music festivals. She’d decided to attend because she knew that this was as likely a place as any for her to get the chance to do the one thing she’d been dreaming of for almost a decade, ever since she was a 14 year old girl. That was the year she discovered boys, her penchant for porn, and her love of…

“This will be our last song for the night. On behalf of the entire band I’d like to thank you all for being such a great audience, and a shout out to the organizers of this fantastic music festival. We’ll definitely be back next year…that is if they’ll have us,” Del said, eliciting a loud round of applause and laughter from the crowd.

The sound of his speaking voice pulled Sanna back into the room. Her eyes followed him as he glided across the stage belting out his final number, and she pressed her legs together tightly, when she felt the walls of her pussy clench with desire. The anticipation was killing her; she could hardly contain her need to have him. A sigh of relief escaped her when minutes later, he finally left the stage. As she deflected the advances of some of the bolder male patrons making their way out of the bar, her eyes trailed Del’s movements hungrily until he disappeared behind the curtain leading backstage. She was about to order another drink and settle in for a long wait when she felt a tap on her shoulder. When she swivelled on her bar stool, ready to dismiss yet another would-be suitor, she was surprised to find herself face to face with a rail thin and heavily tattooed Asian guy.

He smiled and jutted his chin towards the stage. “Del, asked me to bring you backstage.”

Suddenly, Sanna felt as if a thousand butterflies had taken flight in her stomach. “Cool.” she said, slipping off the stool to follow him to the back of the now almost empty night club. He led her through the same curtain Del had disappeared behind moments before and down a long dark hallway to a door with a name plate that read: Del Simpson

“Just go right on in. He’s waiting for you.”

–

To be continued…tomorrow

Hey folks, back for more Shahrazad?  (For those of you who missed what she had to say yesterday,  go ahead check out Part 1 of this interview first.) If so, you’re in for a treat, because today she’s sharing her thoughts on everything from the limits we tend to place of male and female sexuality, to the common misconceptions about dommes.

Happy Reading all!

SB

–

Skye: In your role as a sexuality counselor, what would you say is the most common issue you see in your clients?

Shahrazad, at work teaching one of the many workshops she offers across the city and beyond.

TAS: For heterosexual men, the kind of things they are dealing with are often based on the fact that they have been cast into a very narrow role when it comes to sexuality, and unfortunately the social ramifications men face when they choose to diverge from the role that society puts on them are very high. So, men will go out of their way to be more macho, more aggressive in order not to be called soft or a sissy. They are generally afraid of doing anything that might associate them with weakness. What ends up happening is that a great deal of who they are – because no man or woman is completely hard or soft, we are all blends of female and male energies – gets repressed.

So I get men coming to me who are saying things like “I fantasize about being submissive sexually and I can’t accept that part of myself because my partner is going to think that I am less of a man.” Or, “I want more foreplay. I just want my wife to stroke me and not to think there is something wrong if I don’t get an erection right away.”

With women, I see that they have often lived their whole sexual lives to satisfy other people’s sexual fantasies or desires, whether it’s their partner, their lover, their husband. They have learned to engage in sexuality to please someone else, instead of engaging with it out of their own desire. So, generally speaking they come to me because they’ve stopped enjoying sex and they don’t know why. Usually when we dig a little bit they discover that it’s because the sexual encounters they’re having aren’t connected to or stemming from their own desires, which leaves them thinking “Why am I doing this at all?”

These women are often very clear on what they don’t like, and are much less aware of what they do like and want. They can easily describe all the things about their sex life that aren’t working, but when I ask them to imagine the kind of sex life that they want, no holds barred, they can’t tell me. They have no idea because generally speaking women are not taught to take responsibility for their own sexual satisfaction.

Again, social norms don’t really help, as they tell women to look sexy, while condemning any woman who actually expresses her own desires and sexuality. Women are often called sluts, whores and various other derogatory names for stepping into a place where they take responsibility for and act on what they want sexually.

Skye: What can potential clients expect if they choose to use your services?

TAS: They can expect to be heard. They can expect unconditional acceptance, that they will not be judged for any aspect of themselves, no matter how much they fear speaking it, or how unacceptable they feel it may be. They can expect that I will respect their physical, emotional, and sexual boundaries. They can expect a process that is a co-creation, where there is a constant dialogue, connection and back and forth between the two of us. So to some degree they are a co-leader in their healing. I bring my knowledge and training as a sexual healer, but ultimately they are the experts on their own bodies. I simply reconnect them to what they already know within themselves, but may have forgotten or suppressed.

Skye: In your capacity as a dominatrix, you offer self-improvement programs: ones that help your clients make lifestyle changes, like losing weight, quitting smoking, etc. Can you give us an example of what a typical ‘self-improvement’ session would look like? What you might do to ‘whip’ your clients into shape?

TAS: For many people who have a taste for domination and submission, who have struggled with addictions or habits they are trying to change – like quitting cigarettes or losing weight – sometimes having a domina keep them on track can be really motivating.

What I do to “whip” my clients into shape really depends on what their interests are, what they like and don’t like. So, perhaps I might set up a punishment and reward system, for example for every pound they lose they get 15 more minutes in bondage. Or they get a 5 minute long spanking if they go off the rails. It’s system that incorporates a fun, enjoyable element, a pleasurable aspect to achieving their goal or breaking their bad habits. And for some people it’s just the type of motivation they need to keep going.

.

Skye: What would you say are the most common misconceptions about female dominants?

TAS: Common misconceptions about female dominants, my favourite question. Well, we’re not all bitchy, man-hating, cold, cruel people who are into inflicting harm. To the contrary, I think you have to have a real respect and compassion for the masculine – if we’re talking about male clients – to hold this role. You’re seeing men in positions of vulnerability, so you need to be able to open your heart to the fact that men need a space to be vulnerable in. And you can’t do that if you hate men or you have a lot of anger towards them.

This unfavourable characterization of dominas is unfortunately a pop culture stereotype. Of course there are some dommes that choose to work from that persona, but I don’t think it’s necessary. Dominance is not bitchiness, it is about being able to consensually take and maintain control in an erotic situation.

Skye:  What top three tips would you offer to any woman looking to explore her dominant side?

First, take it out of a sexual context and explore your relationship to power in all aspects of your life. Ask yourself how do I feel about power? How do feel about exerting power and control? What are my opinions about it? What are my dos and don’ts about it? What was I taught about power? Because being a dominant is the ability to consciously and consensually step into a position of power for the purpose of bringing mutual pleasure and benefit. If you have any difficulty with power and control in life, you are going to have difficulty stepping into that role sexually.

Another thing I would say is that a dominant always tops from a place of emotional balance and control. Playing the dominant role sexually is not an opportunity to take out all of your anger on your partner for forgetting your anniversary or whatever. It’s not a venting place. It has to be undertaken from a place of complete neutrality and love, and if you’re not in a place of neutrality and love it is no longer consensual domination. It is abuse.

Finally, on a more practical note, if you don’t know how to get someone out of something you plan to do to them in a minute or less, don’t do it. You need to: 1) know the risks involved in any erotic adventure you are undertaking, 2) educate yourself on the practical skills necessary; and 3) understand very clearly how to do things safely. For example, one of the first things people try is some sort of bondage. Although that can be a lot of fun, it can also lead to injuries if not done properly as it is quite easy to cut off someone’s and cause nerve damage. There are a lot of good resources out there now it terms of books, websites and courses, so there is no reason to engage in any activity that you don’t have at least a basic understanding of how to do properly and safely.

Skye: And what would you say to men interested in exploring being submissive?

TAS: To me, it is the most beautiful thing in the world for a man to be able to go to a place of submission or vulnerability, and to open up in that way. It will be profoundly changing for them and for their partner. If that is a desire and they have the opportunity they should take it. It will deepen their masculinity as a result, not diminish it.

Also, if you are faced with a negative response when speaking to your partner about your desire to be submissive, don’t take it personally. It is not a reflection that there is something wrong with your desire. It’s a reflection of our comfort levels as human beings various things that are not necessarily the social norm. So don’t let it stop you for voicing your desires and trying to negotiate away to get them met.

Skye: Any final thoughts you’d like to share with our readers?

TAS: Be open to the mystery and magic of your sexuality. There is more to it than what might occur to you right now. Also, remember that whatever healing takes place within your sexual self will greatly impact you – for the better. Your sexuality is a fundamental part of who you are and once you embrace it, a positive ripple effect will be created in every aspect of your life.

Tonight I’m veering wildly of the ‘Family Values’ track to hit you all with something that’s been a long time coming.

You see, a few weeks back I had the distinct pleasure of sitting down for a chat with Shahrazad, aka The Alchemical Seductress, a sexual healer, teacher and dominatrix based right here in Toronto. As we sipped our tea in a cozy corner of a local coffee shop, Shahrazad spoke passionately about her work, the sacredness of human sexuality and even a little D/s.

Needless to say it was a very interesting discussion. But don’t take my word for it. Keep reading to get inside the head space of one of very classy lady.

Ladies and Gents, I give you Shahrazad…

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Skye: For the sake of our readers who aren’t familiar with the name Shahrazad, aka The Alchemical Seductress can you tell me who you are and what you do?

Shahrazad, The Alchemical Seductress

TAS: Though I am many things and have many faces, I am above all a gatekeeper with the ability to help people access ecstatic truths and the potential held within their sexual energy. I teach people how to accept themselves in their own unique manifestation as a sexual being, and then show them how to take sex beyond a physical experience into a spiritual one that catalyzes personal growth and development.

Sexuality touches many aspects of our lives, and when we are struggling or grappling with it, we sometimes we need a teacher, sometimes we need a mentor, sometimes we need a counselor, sometimes we need an experienced guide…and sometimes we need a dominatrix (laughs). Depending on the situation, I employ many roles to help people tap into the profound power of their erotic energy, in whatever way it shows up for them, to enable them to find the self love and acceptance it takes to be comfortable accessing that power.

It is a rare person in this society who is not living with some degree of blockage to full sexual expression. There is often much in the way of individuals truly claiming that power. Religious strictures, media, and our upbringing can set up conflicted relationships between us and our sexuality: which is a natural part of us and also our birthright.

Skye: So based on your own experience, do you think that most people are disconnected from their sexual truth?

TAS: The people I see tend to fall into two categories. There are people who haven’t got the slightest idea of what they want, need or desire sexually and therefore cannot find sexual satisfaction in their realities. Then I see also see people who know their sexual truths, who know that they might be kinky or that they might be bisexual or that they might have a fetish for this or that thing: but for whatever reason – usually because it’s socially unacceptable – they cannot find the outlet or the self-acceptance to make their desires a reality.

I do believe the tantric principle that people can only develop spiritually to the degree to which they’ve come to love and accept their sexual energy. I believe it was Osho that said, “Sex is just the beginning, it’s not the end. But if you miss the beginning you miss the end also.” Sexuality then becomes a vehicle through which we can access quite profound truths about life, like who we are and what our purpose is.

As human beings we have incredible potential and we’re always growing through our life experience. Sexuality happens to be one of the arenas in which, assuming we are willing to look, learn, and go deeply into the experience of sexual consciousness, we can’t help but change. It teaches us very clearly about parts of ourselves that we may not be able to see in other aspects of our lives.

Skye: What drew you to this work?

TAS: I have always felt that my work is more of a calling than a career choice. Some people know from an early age that they want to be a firefighter or a pilot, I always knew that I wanted to be a healer. I have discovered that a big part of my gift is a comfort with and acceptance of my own sexuality; which gives me the ability to hold a space for others to explore their own without judgment.

Skye: On your site Inner Fire Temple you state that…”We no longer trust the communications of our bodies, our intuition, or our knowledge of what we need or desire sexually because we have been conditioned to make our experiences fit what we see “out there”. We look for the “Truth” outside of us, when the only place to discover it is within us.” Why do you think we’ve drifted away from such teachings and the belief that we need to look within for such knowledge?

TAS: Sexuality teachings as a rite of passage at puberty for young men and women were a strong focus in the matriarchal societies of ancient times and still exist in some tribal cultures around the world that have not yet been affected by the dominant patriarchal culture that prevails today. It was understood that the union of sexual energies was sacred and therefore great care was taken to ensure that young men and women: 1) honoured and respected each other’s bodies, as well as their own; 2) knew how to pleasure themselves and their partners; and 3) understood that their sexual energy was a sacred and creative force.

It is an understatement to say that contemporary mainstream society does not value this life giving energy in the same way that it used to. Today we are either told that sexuality is something we should be ashamed of, or that it can be used manipulatively to get what we want in life. Now, our young people grow up with parents who are not comfortable talking about sex; religious beliefs that disconnect them from their physical urges; messaging from corporations that use sex to sell everything from vodka to Barbie Dolls; an abundance of internet pornography that hardly depicts what “real life” sex is like; and a celebrity culture that dictates what “sexy” is. It’s a wonder that anyone is having satisfying and nourishing sex anymore. There is so much misinformation that gets broadcast as truth that we stop listening to the language of our own bodies. We start looking outward, instead of inward, first.

We have young men and women coming into their sexuality thinking “this is the way I’m supposed to be” and “this is how this is supposed to work” based on external messages, rather than finding out what their unique experience is, or trusting their own bodies and intuition.

Skye: Your Inner Fire Temple site also lists your company’s core values, which include:

1. I. Pleasure is natural, beautiful and healthy
2. II. No form of consensual sensual expression between adults is better or worse than any other.

These seem like common sense to me, but in your experience do you find that most people have trouble accepting or have been taught something different about their sexuality?

TAS: Yes, it is amazing what some people have been taught about pleasure: that it is sinful and something that they need to be ashamed of; a luxury that productive people cannot afford; something they need to feel guilty about and resist; something only lazy people indulge in. Depending on the person that socialization can happen via the church, their family or their peers.

I want to make sure that people know that sexual pleasure is natural and even good for their health and longevity. It’s not something we have to war against. Sexuality is inherently part of our human experience. The more we fight against it, the more we fight against our deepest essence.

With regards to consensual sensual expression, because I do a lot of work with people who have unique desires, one of the things that I encourage my clients to understand is that sexual diversity is a rule not an exception. If you have 30 people in a room, you will have 30 completely different experiences of sexuality. In many ways our sexual energy or expression has the potential to be as unique a representation of who we are as a thumb print. But the degree to which we buy into what society deems as normal or not, is the degree to which we are going to express ourselves in conventional ways, even if such conventions are not aligned with our true sexual selves.

Skye: Via Inner Fire Temple you offer your clients the opportunity for sexual healing, which you define as…the experience of a change in one’s inner state that leads to an improvement in one’s health, happiness, sense of harmony, hope, and/or general humour, that emerges as a result of engaging directly and honestly with one’s sexual/sensual self. What do you think is the number one thing that holds people back from engaging directly and honestly with their own sexuality?

TAS: I think that the number one thing that holds people back from their sexuality is fear, and fear comes in many shapes and forms. It could be fear of being different, fear of going against a norm, or fear of being judged by the people we care most about. It is difficult for people to know that there may be a part of them that may not be loved and appreciated in this world. Everyone wants acceptance, to be accepted for who and what they are. And if there’s a chance that that may be compromised people are not always willing to be forthcoming with the parts of themselves that they perceive to be harder for other people to accept.

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Come back tomorrow for Part 2 of my interview with Shahrazad when she dishes on the services she offers, shares her top tips for wannabe dominas and does her part to debunk the stereotype of the bitchy, man-hating dommes.

“I just don’t understand. What do lesbians actually DO together?”

I remember my mom asking me that when I was just a teenager. At the time I didn’t know anything about sex – period – so I certainly didn’t know the answer to her question. It wasn’t until much later on that I realized that her query probably meant that her sex life wasn’t very interesting or varied.

We were Christian – United Church – which is on the more liberal and less
fundamentalist side of Christianity: sometimes I think it’s more like a social justice club that meets on Sunday mornings, than a church. Although I never received a direct, verbal message at home or at church that sex was bad, somehow I understood that: 1) sex wasn’t something that I should explore before marriage; 2) if I did so before then, it would get me into trouble; and 3) lesbians were a little weird…obviously.

But what I do remember hearing is my mom also saying,

“I don’t wear a button advertising my heterosexuality, so why do homosexuals feel that they need to?”

I knew well enough to take that to mean that non-heterosexuals should keep their sexual preferences to themselves. And when I told her about the sex ed lecture Sue Johanson gave at my school in grade 10, she responded with a fearful,

“Just make sure you keep your pants on!“

I am sure her response was based, at least in part, on the fact that she had been given up for adoption because her biological mother had made the mistake of not “keeping her pants on” way back in 1924; when it was still pretty taboo to be a single mom – particularly in a small town. So it’s no surprise that I was terrified of both sex and my body, or that I remained non-orgasmic until my late-twenties.

Although, religion played a very indirect part in my fear and reluctance to have sex, as I grew up I distanced myself from the church. But, as I became more comfortable with my body and having sex, my attitude also started to change. I started to explore spirituality more extensively. Among other things, I read Living in Sin? by Bishop Spong, who served as bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of Newark for 24 years and whose work challenges conservative interpretations of the Bible. His book helped me to understand that the natural expression of my sexuality was “ok” and NOT scorned by God – whoever or whatever that is. I also explored paganism, which celebrates rather than disparages the diversity of sexuality. Gradually, I began to embrace the notion of pleasure (I had never realized that sex was supposed to be about pleasure. What a radical idea!).

As I began seeing the Bible, its interpretations, and what it means in a more open, less fundamentalist light, my understanding of all that sex could be and mean to me also started to broaden…

I discovered spiritual sex.

The world opened up.