Hey folks. Frankly, I can’t remember if this is my first time Goody Drawering since my tango with a Tenga egg back in August but regardless, here I am again providing a little information and perhaps a little entertainment. Now, I know I promised a series of male sex toy reviews but sometimes life gets in the way. Anyway, this installment of SFGD features a coming together of cultures, east meeting west, a co-mingling of the ancient and the modern, a mélange of tradition and technology. In other words, I’m reviewing the iKamasutra app for the iPhone.

Now, I just got an iPhone. Like, last week. Because I am nothing if not consistently focused on all things sexual I made finding sex related apps a priority. And because I believe it is my duty to (over) share parts of my sex life with the masses I decided a review of this app’s efficacy was in order. So I enlisted the assistance of my Tenga accomplice, formerly known as the handjobber, now known as the Kama Sutress, to aid me in this most important endeavour. And awaaaaaaay we go.

First things first, there are two versions of this app, a free one, which comes with 30 different positions, and an upgrade that will run you 99 cents. Well folks, Skye and Elizabeth have me on a tight leash around here so I settled for the au gratis version. Heck, I was pretty sure it would be sufficient, there are only so many hours I can spend f**king in a single day.

Anyway, the iKamaSutra divides sexual positions into the following nine categories:

1. 69

2. Butterfly

3. Cowgirl

4. Cunnilingus

5. Doggy Style

6. Exotic

7. Face to Face

8. Fellatio

9. Spooning

Each category in the free version features no fewer than two and as many as four positions. After a brief discussion, the Kama Sutress and I decided to “officially” try the following positions:

The Deck Chair - This was straight forward enough. The woman places her legs on her man’s shoulders while the man kneels in front of her. The man (I guess that’s me) leans against the woman’s legs and enters from a stimulating angle. This is supposed to offer a feeling of nearness and allows the man (again, me) to stimulate the woman with his hand. The verdict: Well, I had a good time. The Kama Sutress? She liked it but did let me know her hamstrings aren’t as flexible as her hips so this position was only viable for a limited time. We both recommend this one but the Kama Sutress asked me to inform the ladies that you’ll struggle if your flexibility is not up to snuff. Yoga, anyone? Oh, and don’t try this on a full stomach.

**I feel the need to give a shout out to my Jamaican massive. Deck chair? We would just call this a little “foot pon shoulda” and then call it a day.**

Missionary (Twisted): According to the app this one is “one small step from the missionary position, a giant leap for pleasure.” Now, I don’t know about this “giant leap” business but I think we all can agree this position is a winner. In this pose, the woman wraps her legs around her partner’s back and squeezes. Placing a pillow below the woman’s buttocks allows easy deep penetration, and allows the participants to focus on rocking movements instead of only penetration. Good for stimulation of the clitoris. The verdict: The Kama Sutress liked this one for all the above stated reasons and also because it made her “really, really feel me” and “feel really close.” Sounds kind of emo. Hmmm. As for me, this was all good.

Teaspoons: According to iKamasutra this is a more intimate form of doggy style. We all know what doggy style is right? Right? Anyway. Both partners kneel and the man enters from behind. The woman separates her legs so that he can easily enter and they each place their hands on the other’s hips. You can easily transition to and from the regular doggy style position. The verdict: I love a little woof woof as much as if not more than the next man and though I enjoyed this one it did seem like a little more work than it was worth. And the Kama Sutress? She liked it too but kept feeling like she was going to or wanted to fall and “got tired of hanging on”.

The Arch: The woman rests with her shoulders on the bed and enters a bridge position as the man kneels between her legs. This offers deep and intense penetration and great stimulation for the G-spot. Hands are free allowing for all types of grabbing, pinching, rubbing and gripping. The verdict: For me, m’eh, but it still gets a thumbs way up. Why? Because this is what the Kama Sutress had to say; “Oh no, that one felt gooooood. Real, real, good.” And if it’s good for her it’s bound to be good for me.

Now, all four of these positions are really just slight variations on sh** that is part of my (and I hope your) regular repertoire of moves and in fact I could say the same thing about many if not most of the 30 positions in the free version of the app. However, there are a few like the Brute (woman on back with legs raised against her chest and man facing away squatting over her lower parts) or the Amazon (man pulls his legs toward chest so that woman can squat and lean against his legs) that seem a little off the beaten path.

Final Verdict: For a free app this is an absolute winner. It is easy to use and has fun features that allow you to track what you’ve tried, select favourites and create a to-do list. You can also track your progress from “novice” to “master”. Oh, and the settings allow you to turn on or off the background music (sitar, what else?) provides hints for complicated positions and to set a password for your app so that mom doesn’t stumble upon your to do list while browsing through your iPhone. At the very least it will inject a little more play into your sex life. I may very well spend the 99 cents and get the upgrade.

On a related note, we’ve been talking a little about sex as performance this week. We’ve explored why many if not most of us approach sex as performance and the ways this can be limiting or negative. Now, I wasn’t going to speak on this issue at all actually but while preparing to write this piece I came across a link for a Kama Sutra feature in FHM magazine (see here). At the end of the intro the author states, “Quite simply, these videos can teach you how to be Ron Jeremy in the bedroom”.

One word: Ewwww.

Seriously, the world does not need more men trying (and failing) to be Ron Jeremy. Not everyone wants to be f*cked like a porn star.

As Nikki so eloquently said in her post this past Wednesday in reference to picking the four best Met Another Frog posts of 2011…

“was hard mothafucka.”

But after over thinking if for a long while, I finally made the wise decision to allow my funny bone – with a bit of help from my soft, mushy side – to decide for me. Here’s what they came up with…

Elizabeth Rose: Secrets From The Goody Drawer, Vol. 23

My choice here was based on nostalgia for the heady early days of this blog, when we were hustling to pen the funniest, most outrageous and best dating and sex stories in our respective arsenals. Things have changed quite a bit since then, for the better I think. Still, it was great to laugh till I snorted (no joke) imagining my girl Elizabeth mid-spin.

Sam Sharpe: Secrets From The Goody Drawer, Vol. 15 – Male Sex Toy Review

You all know I couldn’t resist picking this one. If you’ve listened to virtually any of our podcasts, you’re likely well aware of how much I loooooove to take the piss out of the site’s one and only cocksman, by telling the world what a big bad trouser snake he’s hauling around in his pants. And when he put…

“The Tenga is broken; I repeat the Tenga is broken. My penis punched a hole in it.”

in print, I hit the mother lode. Now I have all the fuel – and proof – I’ll ever need to keep spreading the gospel of Sam’s man parts…for years to come.

Yours Truly: Men Rock…Who Knew?

If I’ve only learned one thing since I started blogging it’s this. Men get shit on a lot. (And that’s not a comparative analysis, so please don’t rush in to tell me that women are treated worse on many fronts. I am well aware of all the mess that women have to put up with.) As one of the last remaining groups most people think it’s safe to shit on publicly, men are depicted as stupid, unthinking and unfeeling beings all the time – like e’ry day. So, this post, was in part, my attempt to go against the grain and give men a little bit of much deserved love.

Guest Post: Ken’s I Was a Real Dick to Jane

More nostalgia here, ‘cause I so miss my boy Ken (where in the world are you guy?). But more than that, when this gem of a post landed in my inbox I was floored. My hi-larious e-homeboy Ken had written one the most moving, honest and real guest posts we had ever received. And I was introduced to whole new side of Tenacious “I’m-a-perv-who-loves-asses-and-will-do-anything-for-you-if-you-promise-to-sit-on-my-face” Ken after reading it.

Crossing my fingers that we’ll be able to bring at least as much funny, real and touching to you, our dear readers in 2012 and beyond.

Cheers,

S

In December, when Elizabeth Rose came up with the idea that each of us should write a Best of 2011 recap posts this month, Sam and I readily agreed. And when she wisely suggested that we should also have one of our fave tweeps write one too, within about two seconds flat we came to a unanimous decision about who that should be…

The one and only Ms. Nikki B.

As far as we’re concerned there are very few other (if any) bloggers out there who have shown us some much love, so consistently. I mean who else…

Shows up almost every day to leave us comments that read like short essays?

Retweets us like it’s their part time job?

Is always – and I mean always (to date she’s never said no) – up for the challenge of penning yet another original post for us whenever we come a calling?

No. One.

For us it was a no brainer. Our darling Nikki was the best and only choice. And as is her habit, she came through for us  in grand style.

Now, bear with me. Just one last thing before we get to her post.

We’d like to send out a heartfelt THANK YOU to Nikki, for all her love, support and even the rants

In gratitude,

The Met Another Frog Crew

–

I started blogging for a single reason: Because a friend and I had some really strange dating experiences, and we wanted to talk about them.

It really was as simple as that. And, yeah, I know – we were SO original!

However. After almost two years of doing this (damn how time flies), that original impetus seems small and far away. Yes, I learned that we were not alone in the weird dating behavior of others, but my blogging experience quickly became far, far more than that.

I never, ever, notinamillionyears expected where entering into the blogging community would take me, or what it would give back.

And that is what it is. A community. I’ve conversed (even if it was just via tweets!) with so many new people. They’ve engaged me on many different levels, from the odd tweet, right on through to putting up with random rants (holla Ms. Blue) in e-mail form. I’ve met people I actually feel like I know even though…well, we’ve never met.

Even though they don’t even know who I really am (…creeper much? Yep that’s me.)

Ms. Blue summed how I feel about it nicely in this post:

“Realizing how much I don’t know about sex, dating and relationships: You’re reading the words of a lifelong learner here, and I honestly didn’t know just how much there was to know before this little blog came to be. I’ve got a lot to learn, people; which means I’m going to be doing this blog thing for quite a while – a very, very long while.”

I have been educated and enlightened and challenged (and even called names)… but it’s been really eye-opening.

My relationship with Met Another Frog has been a core part of that experience. One thing I absolutely adore about them is they take all that dating stuff to a whole new level of awesome. Sure, they talk about dating, and sex, but go well beyond conventional boundaries. Moreover, they search for more than their own opinions – always inviting guest bloggers and interviewing key voices in all things sex-positive.

So when they asked me to pick my favs from 2011, I said hells yeah.

Which was, as it turns out, a completely ridiculous response.

Any idea how hard it is, out of all the awesome content they have over here, to pick only four posts?? Out of an entire year?? I was an idiot to agree to this!

So. To help me out a bit, I decided to pick posts that I found unique or really spoke to me personally.

I also… kind of cheated. Just a little bit. Look, peeps, when I tried to narrow it down the first time, I ended up with two pages of links. Ok?

Well. Here you have it. My choice for not-to-miss posts of 2011…

The Man Sam Sharpe

Hear ye, hear ye, Sharpies: There were a lot of posts I almost chose from Mr. Sharp – and I will bet you’ll be surprised by the one I went with. In the end, I had to applaud him for loving the nonconventional, the things we love that don’t fit the cookie-cutter version of what we’re supposed to: Breaking the Rules of Attraction

Ms. Blue

Skye did a lot of experimenting and pushing herself this past year, in addition to exploring, while not necessarily participating some kinky worlds. One of the great posts, IMHO, to come out of that process was the following, which not only made the point that “normal” people may have some ridic kink behind their closed doors, but also asked what would happen if we were more open about our sexual fantasies and less judgmental of others. This, of course, also begs the question: what, really, is “normal”?

Elizabeth Rose

My choice for Ms. Rose is one that’s completely personal. Girl wrote some great stuff (swing injuries, anyone?), but, in the end, I went with one that spoke straight to my heart, in terms of dating, and how other people kind of “interfere with my mojo”: One Plus One

Guest post:

Again, this shiz was hard mothafucka. The Met Another Frog team had some awesome guest posts up, and it took me a long time to narrow it down. However, this one was so awesome at getting to other people’s issues regarding kink, I l-o-v-e-d it: How to Dom Me More Than Once.

Ok. Now for the cheating part.

What about all the awesomesauce interviews? The podcasts? Full Frontal Nerdity? Love CoCo? Hot Debate Wednesdays (what ever happened to those, anyway?) Can’t I pick a couple of those? So, you know, I did.

I loved this interview with one of the founders Fuck Club, simply because it talked about things I had not heard before, and made me want a Fuck Club in my neck of the woods.

I also had to go with this fantastic debate on whether or not bi guys were datable, simply because it really got to the root of the issue: Ladies, Would You Date a Bi Guy

And, finally, I know this is also on bi-guys, but this podcast just made me laugh and laugh.

Thank you all for an awesome year! I can’t wait to see what you’ve got in store for us in 2012!

Happy 2012!

The news here in UK is full of rising costs of commuting (20% increase on tickets for London commuters) and “tough times ahead.” But there is also a more positive outlook for 2012 as this year my home town will play host to the Olympics too. As I set myself the task of resolutions, I’ve decided to take several recent and upcoming events into account.

Will be making good use of this sign from now til the Olympics this summer.

Firstly – I will be more Olympian in my sex life. Despite my current injury and the obvious setback it caused. I intend to train hard in the run up to the Olympics, and attempt to theme as many positions and naked interactions on events as I can.  I already have equestrian sorted out, aquatic is pretty obvious, but does anyone have any ideas for a sexual decathlon?

Secondly – Commute less. Since costs are rising, I will reduce my travel by the necessary 20% to remain cost neutral. In my thoughts this means encouraging booty calls to come to me, and to increase my hosting duties for one night stands, pick ups and orgies. Thereby not requiring any re-budgeting for necessaries such as lube, batteries and condoms.

Finally, I intend to reduce my cynicism. This one will be tough, but is certainly needed. I have been spending a lot more one-on-one time with a certain handyman who has been helping me out while I’m less than intact. He is good company both naked and dressed, and during several of our non-sexual exchanges I have found him challenging me on my viewpoint on several subjects and natural tendency to dismiss compliments or “feelings” out of hand.

Under normal circumstances I would have blocked his cell number and moved on by now; but my initial need for his support has become more of a wish for, so as a gesture I’m attempting a cynicism detox. Accepting statements at face value, and worryingly agreeing to some sort of mushy stuff by way of public displays of affection and even non-sexual encounters such as date night.

If I can keep these resolutions for more than a week – 2012 is going to be a big year!

It’s a new year. Many are making resolutions. I don’t really do resolutions but the powers that be around here have bullied me into making a few, so I will grudgingly offer some of my own. However, before I join the ranks of the newly resolved in 2012 let me take a moment to reflect on a few things 2011 taught me about myself, sex, and dating. And love.

One man’s freak is another man’s vanilla: In 2011 I attended my first kinky party. I saw whips. And chains. And leather. I saw a woman give a blow job to another woman. I saw paddles. And harnesses. And benches. I saw a man “punching” a woman’s buttocks. I saw studs. And body paint. And piercings. Nudity was everywhere. It taught me one thing; in some quarters I’m considered lewd, a little freaky and a bit kinky but the truth is I’m pretty vanilla.

Private Parts: Everyone loves a little voyeurism and exhibitionism right? Or is that just me? Anyway, as I’ve already mentioned, I’m not a total stranger to being watched or to taped sexual activity. I discussed some of my exploits with a lady who was curious and game to take a “peek”. My curiosity was piqued. My loins peaked. And she got her peek. In the end I felt strange, I think she felt strange but we’ve haven’t talked about it since and perhaps never will. The lesson here? I might not have any shame.

Gentleman’s club? No thanks: A close friend married his “soul-mate” this past summer. The bachelor party featured an evening at the rippers. The joint was jam packed with fine a$$ women with fine a$$ legs & a$$e$. I’m a legs and a$$ man so you’d figure I was in my element. Nope. I was bored out of my skull. If you’ve seen one naked t*tty jiggling to Usher or the Black Eyed Peas you’ve seen ‘em all. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. It just reinforced something I already knew: nudity is only arousing in certain contexts. Oh, and as I’ve said before women worry way too much about what happens at bachelor parties.

Private Parts, Episode 2: After an evening of food, music, dancing and mucho alcohol a (I think) lucky lady convinced me to perform my best sexual chocolate strip tease routine. I shimmied. And shaked. I turned. And twisted. I bumped. And grinded. And at the moment of truth, when it came time for the big reveal; someone, something, somewhere in the depths of my reptilian brain–let’s call him/it my inner moron–decided it would be a good idea to rhythmically and forcefully move, nay, shake my hips from side to side thereby propelling my erect penis back and forth like a rigid hose possessed by Lucifer’s minions. What happened next? That, I will not share but I feel duty bound to inform you all that the lady in question has requested another Sam Sharpe Stripperpalooza. The lesson here? Yes, I might not have any shame (unless of course it powers my sexual imagination). And some girls like demon possessed hoses.

So, if you’re scoring at home, we know 2011 taught me that I’m not all that kinky, I might be shameless, bachelor parties bore me and yes there’s actually no might, because shame is just the sexual lubricant of my mind. But what about 2012? What are my resolutions? Simple. I, Sam Sharpe, resolve to embrace my lack of shame and indulge my inner moron as much as possible without breaking laws or offending the slightly less moronic. And of course I’m going to come here and share it all with you. Shamelessly.

Oh, and based on what I’ve just written I realize I apparently learned nothing about love in 2011. So I’m going to try rectifying that, I’m going to try and learn something new about me as it pertains to love. Why not? There’s no shame in learning about love is there?

This is it folks. Our last post for 2011. The next time we meet a new year, chock full of all kinds of amazing possibilities, will have begun. With that in mind, we’ve decided to share a submission by a guest writer that landed (very unexpectedly – THANK you, Julie) in our inbox a few days ago.

Tonight’s story is one that I’m sure many of you will relate to (perhaps not it’s finer points, but definitely it’s overall theme), as it highlights how hard facing the truth about what’s best for us can be – especially when you want what you want real bad.

Anyhoo, I won’t ramble on forever. So, on behalf of Sam, Elizabeth Rose and me…

Happy New Year everybody!

We’ll catch you all on the other side.

Have fun & play safe this Old Year’s Night,

SB

–

The Whole Package

by Julie Robinson

The first time Aaron tells me he loves me I have sex with him. The second time he tells me he loves me I beg him to stop—why can’t he continue loving me the morning after instead of denying it? The emboldened, heavy drinking Aaron and the distant, hung over Aaron have an equally strong magnetic pull.  Both need me in their own way.  There’s something very intoxicating about a lover who drinks with you.

This truism, tweeted my none other than the lovely Miss Taylor Cast a few months ago, is the first thing that came to mind as I read this story.

AARON: You know you will never be my girlfriend.

ME: I hate to break it to you—but I already am. We have a really nice bond, Aaron. Why keep fighting it?

AARON: I just don’t see you in that way, Julie. I could never take you around my friends. And my family?  Forget about it.

My poker buddy Aaron towers over me even when I’m in heels. He’s unemployed the spring we meet and I’m underemployed, so we show up at a local dive bar to play cards three nights a week. I like how he always brings me a beer without asking if I want one when he comes back to the table with his own fresh PBR. Night after night I listen intently to how much Aaron loves his ex-girlfriend, how hopeless he feels, how damaged he’s become, and how badly he wants her back. Instead of being put-off by these (and other) confessions, I convince myself that Aaron’s passion makes him a terrific prospect. Everything he says proves to me that this man loves boldly and that soon he will be directing that real, passionate love toward me.

When he tells me he’s ready for a girlfriend I’m skeptical and enthusiastic all at once. Then he asks me for a favor, and I agree to help my new lover write his online dating profile.

ME: (settling in at his computer) I definitely think you should mention something about having season tickets to the theater. Chicks love that.

AARON: I want to come off as passionate without being a pervert. We should mention that I’m a trained chef.

ME: Yes. I think your stint in the Caribbean is a good one too.

Writing—even something as short as an online profile—takes time if you want to get it right. Aaron grows bored as I tweak his profile. He leaves to buy a twelve pack of beer. We drink most of it and fall into bed together forgetting all about our mission for the evening.

When I awake early to put the finishing touches on Aaron’s profile, I don’t plan on learning his password. I don’t root around looking for it. I don’t have to. It’s just there in his open email smack dab in front of my face: bra**en1

The silly women he writes to regularly on Match.com don’t worry me in the slightest. He seems to enjoy flirting with one cowgirl about writing a screenplay together, but somehow her email responses get deleted before he reads them and she disappears. Another pretty little blonde receives an email from Aaron saying he’s met someone else. Funny how things like that happen.

My obsession begins to scare me, so I put limits on it. Instead of checking Aaron’s Match.com email account every time I think of it (it has a sneaky way of inching back into my head again, and again, and again), I promise myself only one time a day. I am very careful during our conversations not to mention the women I know about through my cyber spying. We are drinking buddies—shitfaced beyond standing—but I never slip. Not once. Instinctively, I know that if he ever finds out about my secret our affair, our friendship, our deepening bond, my drug of choice will be shot to hell.

AARON: Hey! I think I may have met someone. Thanks again for helping me with my online profile. It made all of the difference.

ME: Really? How did that happen?

AARON: I met her on Match. She’s really exotic and sexy. I can’t wait for you to meet her. I think you’ll really like her.

ME: (trying to ignore his lack of reception as I lean in for a kiss) I’m sure I will.

Racking my brain, I cannot figure out which one she is. Exotic? Sexy? They all seem like bimbos to me. I’m torn between stumbling back to my apartment so I can fall into Aaron’s arms and telling him to head on home alone so I can sort through his emails and figure out who this woman is. How did I miss this?

Aaron begins to fade away from my life as he spends more and more time with Exotic Girl, and the cloudy fuzz in my mind starts to clear. I go get professional help. My therapist tells me the same things my friends have for months, and it’s a relief that I can finally begin to listen. Why do I want to be with a man who only loves me when he’s drunk? Can I truly be happy with a man who is actively pursuing another woman while using me for sex? What do I really want to put my energy into?

Six months after Aaron moves on I invite him to join me for a game of poker at our old haunt. Surprisingly, he accepts.The room has a festive beehive hum, the PBR is plentiful and cold, and our sexual chemistry takes hold like a wrench pulling us closer and closer to one another. We both get knocked out of the poker game quickly so we can move to the patio and flirt shamelessly.

AARON: (putting his hand on my thigh) It is great seeing you again. I’ve missed you. You look great.

ME: Mmmm. So do you. It’s so much fun hanging out with you again.

AARON: I can’t wait to go home with you tonight. Get naked with you. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

ME: (hesitating) I don’t think that’s going to happen, Aaron. . .

AARON: I know you want to. I know you can’t wait to rip off my clothes and get dirty with me. Like old times.

ME: I don’t want that—

AARON: (cutting me off) Yes, you do. . .

ME: No. I want the whole package.

I want the bow, the wrapping paper, and an introduction to your parents. I want the cherry on top. I want to be the woman you think about when you’re not really thinking about anything in particular. I want to be the woman on your arm who you are proud of introducing to your buddies and their wives. I want to wake up with you and not have an aching head. I want you to be the man you never will be. I want to be the woman of my dreams.