Okay y’all.

We’re about halfway through our Family Values month and I have yet to share anything my mother taught me about…well, anything during the days of my youth. And the truth is she taught me a hell of a lot, including the following:

1. Having self-esteem is important. Anyone who operates in a way that indicates they don’t have and aren’t even trying to get any self-esteem will be treated like a doormat. PERIOD.

2. People who don’t take responsibility for creating the lives they want to have, people she not so succinctly calls “Those passive aggressive, no accountability taking, whiny ass fools”, like to spread their misery around. Stay away from them.

I’m sure I didn’t recognize how valuable these lessons were as a kid, but now, especially in light of the two stories I’m about to share, I get it. For real.

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Story #1: Having a No Good Cheatin’ Man is Better Than Having No Man At All?

Picture it. A woman is sitting in front of her computer, her wide eyes fixed on the screen and her mouth hanging open in shock. What is it she sees that she can’t tear her eyes away from? A dating profile, on POF, featuring a picture of a man she’s quite familiar with. In fact, it’s not just the man she’s familiar with, it’s the picture itself. You see it’s a picture that she was cut out off, because which woman in her right mind would choose to contact or respond to a message from a man on an online dating site with an image of himself positively beaming at the camera  with an arm around another woman? D’uh…no one.

Have you put the pieces of that puzzle together folks? For those of you who haven’t let me explain. Said woman sitting in front of her computer, staring at the monitor in shock is in an exclusive (at least as far as she is concerned) six year long relationship with said man, who had the audacity to use a picture he cut her out of as the main image on his dating profile. On POF. One the most public dating sites on the internet.  I’m going to go ahead and pause for a minute so you can really take that in.

PAUSE.

Okay, you good?…Alright then let’s continue.

What does that story tell you about said man? Do you think he respects his girlfriend and their relationship? Do you think he is worried about her feelings or embarrassing her in front of her friends? Do you think he thinks she’ll actually leave if she were to find out? If you answered a lot, no, no and no, you’re absolutely right. Yet in spite of all the hard evidence, including the fact that said woman…

*Created a fake dating profile on POF, which she used to contact the all too eager said man

*Recruited a friend to play the phone version of fake profile chick so she could listen in as said man flirted wildly and set up date with another woman

*Called him directly after his long conversation with fake profile chick only to have him lie to her about his quiet evening at home watching TV

Said woman is not just still dating said man, she’s making plans to move in with him! Apparently, the thought of having to “start all over again” after “investing soooo many years” was too much for her to think about – even though it’s not the first time she’s caught him cheating online.

What else to say?

Nothing except…

Team Said Man, 100s of notches in his belt (and counting). Team No Self-esteem Having Said Woman, 0 and eventually a social disease?

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Story #2: Eff Findin’ My Own Joy, I’m About Shittin’ on Yours

See this picture right here?

That image was posted to the Google+ page of the frenemy of one of my best buds who recently announced her engagement. It was posted by a woman who is still pining over the loss of a relationship that lasted four months – even though it ended four years ago. And trust me, if I introduced any of you to her today, you’d know all about him within 10 minutes of meeting her.

But who am I to judge anyone else’s pain? Everybody copes differently, right? While I happily concede that point, you know what I don’t agree with? Anyone who believes that just because they’re unhappy they have the right to dump their shit on everyone around them. And by dumping shit, I don’t mean just talking incessantly about someone you dated for five minute minutes eons ago. I’m talking about…

• Not once telling your ‘friend’ that she looks fabulous after she worked hard to lose over seventy pounds, while continuing to shove food into her face every time the two of you are within a 100 foot radius of a restaurant.
• Adding fuel to the fire of any insecurities she may have about her relationship when she mentions a disagreement she’s having with her man, by telling her that the man in question probably won’t stick around anyway.
• Remaining cemetery silent as the rest of her friends and family offer up their congratulations after she announces her engagement on her Google+ page
• Choosing to take the uber bitchy route by posting the picture above on your own page, knowing full well your friend will see it.

Hmmmm…Passive-aggressive-take-no-responsibility-for-your-life-circumstance-and-whine-your-ass-off much?

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Both of these stories make me realize how lucky I am, because I know (at least in part) there but for the grace of Mama Blue go I, and for some strange reason neither being a doormat nor a passive aggressive biatch seem all that appealing to me.

Go. Figure.

Time is flying by and we’re almost into August, which will mark a year passing since my first fuckation.

Ohhh, a fuckation!… What’s that?

The London gays practically built the Paris Eurostar for the occasion. In NYC they have whole islands devoted to this super fun vacation option and let’s be honest, tonnes of people not on fuckations are secretly (or actively) hoping their resort/ski/yoga vacation will take a fucktastic turn.

For my first, I was heading to NYC to see my soon to be lover, Samurai. We had connected in the spring of 2009 (during my sixteen month celibacy phase) over various social networking sites and been involved in the digital space (facebook, email, skype) until our late summer rendezvous. Samurai had gone from a crush to a muse over our 18 month courtship. I was nervous and excited at the thought of standing before him, so many thoughts and feelings running through me. I couldn’t help but act out our first meeting, in my bedroom, in the shower. Daydreaming about how we would…

Perfect kiss.

first kiss,

first touch,

first fuck.

Here we are folks!

The inaugural edition of Love CoCo, our new sex advice column featuring CoCo La Crème, that will be featured the third Wednesday of every month. So if you’ve got a question or concern about anything to do with sex, feel free to shoot CoCo an email at info at cocolacreme dot com.

Alright. Enough with the preamble.

Here’s CoCo…

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Hey CoCo,

I’ve recently started dating a guy who’s funny, good looking and nice enough to (eventually) introduce to friends. Life couldn’t be sweeter right?  Wrong!  My new man is really into oral sex. Like really, really, really into it and lately he’s started talking about how he can’t wait to do it to me when we finally have sex!!! I know that a lot of ladies go for this but I have NEVER let someone do this before, and I’m not sure that I want to start now. The whole idea makes me uncomfortable and is, frankly, a little bit gross. No one else I’ve dated has ever pushed the issue, but it seems like he needs this to be satisfied. I don’t want to lose this guy. Any suggestions?

Never Been Kissed

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Hey NBK,

I’ve got a couple of questions for you: Are YOU satisfied? How much pleasure do YOU get out of your intimate encounters? Do you know that YOUR body is an amazing creation and that its erotic potential is almost limitless? You need to think about why you are creating barriers to deeper intimacy with this guy, especially since you seem to really like him. Trust me, if Mr. Dreamboat gets off on licking the kitty and making it purr then he is not going to be satisfied with anything less.

Take some time to get to know yourself and start thinking about your body from a new, more positive perspective, NBK. I don’t know what might have occurred to make you feel like cunnilingus is “gross” but whatever it is it needs to be put to rest. Doesn’t matter whether this attitude comes from your family, your school, your church or your former lovers it is wrong-headed and destructive and it is preventing you from enjoying your sex life to the fullest extent. Oral sex is a pleasurable intimate experience between lovers. Open yourself up to new experiences and let someone show you how much they desire every part of you. Your man thinks you’re beautiful everywhere and he wants the opportunity to prove it.

Lay back, relax and make your man - and your girl parts - happy.

Your vulva is with you all of your life and you should love it. Spend some solo time pleasuring it. Look at it in the mirror. Get a book or DVD so that you can be better informed about it (Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston and Selfloving by Betty Dodson come to mind). Learn to be one with it so that you can own it and share it with confidence. Your vagina is a temple that gives forth life and your clitoris is the source of your most intensely pleasurable sensations. Any guy is damn lucky to be given the opportunity to ‘worship’ in such a beautiful place and you are blessed to have a guy who knows it.

NBK, I would also advise you to become a more adventurous lover for your own sake. Be a little selfish in bed and realize that it is perfectly ok for him to spend time on you while you do NOTHING but enjoy it. Getting eaten out is a luxurious experience that every woman should indulge in as frequently as possible. To make your first time absolutely fabulous start by taking some time alone, as I mentioned above, to get more comfortable with your kitty. Also, talk to your lover about your insecurities so that he knows to take it slow. Take care of basic maintenance so that you feel pretty and clean. Then just lie back and relax. Don’t worry about how you smell, taste or look and especially don’t fret about how long he’s taking, because girl, it’s all good to him. Yes, it may feel a little funny at first, but trust me, you’ll soon learn to love it… as long as you can learn to love yourself first!

Love,

CoCo

P.S.  To any men out there who are still unwilling to go downtown all I have to say is that you’re missing out! Your friends are doing it, your girlfriend wants it and your mom is ashamed of you. Now go wash up cause dinner’s on the table and it’s freaking delicious.

ME, Sex Educator

Although it’s definitely a taboo subject whether you’re in an LTR and talking marriage, or while actually hitched, the fact is divorce happens (just ask poor ol’ Arnie). Nobody wants to be the first to bring up the subject of pre-nups, or the how you’ll handle the fallout if all the happy in your happily ever after, dissipates into thin air. But, the hard reality is that every marriage ends, be it through death or divorce (the more common route these days). And if you’re among the many millions of people currently contemplating, going through, dealing with the aftermath, or even just bearing witness to the drama of a divorce you know just how much it SUCKS BALLS! But as I learned during a recent discussion with Kim Hess, a very upbeat, charming, smart and totally on point divorcée turned Divorce Guru, it doesn’t have to – at least not for long…

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Skye: In your inaugural blog post on KimHess.com, you state that your motivation for becoming divorce guru was to help others. Can you expand on that by telling us what being a divorce guru means to you?

KH: A guru is defined as a teacher or guide in spiritual or philosophical matters. When I was going through my divorce I had no one to turn to except for friends and family to comfort me. As wonderful as they were, you feel bad always venting and unburdening your sadness onto those you love. Besides a therapist or spiritual advisor like a priest or minister there is no support for people going through such a difficult, stressful, and life-changing time. Therapy was also helpful, but nothing can replace a caring person who knows exactly the turmoil you’re going through.

Skye: Why do you think a service like the one you offer is important?

KH: My writings, videos, and products offer humor and support, and more importantly it lets women going through divorce know that they’re not alone.

Skye: Outside of being a wife, mother and subsequently a divorcee, what were you doing prior to becoming Kim Hess, Divorce Guru?

KH: I have a degree in Political Science and worked for the Senate Minority Whip of the Ohio Senate. I’ve also worked extensively in the marketing field. But being a wife and stay at home mom has been the majority of my work experience…and by far the most difficult.

Skye: Understandably most people grieve their divorces. What kind of things tend to come up for people during that time? Would you say there are common feelings or emotions that come up for individuals going through divorce that they don’t expect? Or issues they don’t realize will have as great an impact as they do during/post divorce?

KH: When people go through divorce they typically encounter The Five Stages of Grief, which was introduced by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. This is a widely accepted emotional and psychological response to a life changing situation.

People underestimate the effects of divorce on one’s life. Death of a spouse or child is #1. Divorce is #2.

Since divorce is so common, I feel most people don’t realize how traumatic a divorce is and don’t really expect the wide range of emotions that they will go through. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance.

Skye: One of my male friends told me that he experienced a bout of impotence post his divorce that took about a year to resolve. Are such symptoms common for men?

KH: I’m unsure if it’s common for most men, but understand why this would happen.  Divorce has not only an emotional affect, but also physical and mental.

Skye: An article on your site by Glenn F. Stearnes PhD. on men adjusting to being newly single post divorce states that living alone is a big fear for divorced men? Do you think that fear impacts men more than women post divorce? If so, are there fears that are particular to women that men don’t experience as often?

KH: I’m not a doctor, but from what I see most men quickly get into relationships and marry soon after divorce. I think men that are used to wives taking care of them – because let’s face it most wives tend to their spouses every need from food, to social schedule, to the majority of child care – don’t really want to be alone.

On the flip side, even though my divorce ripped my heart out, I felt like I got a break by not having to take care of someone else. A lot of woman stay single for a while – or sometimes forever – because it’s easier to be alone.

I believe that both men and women have the same fears regarding divorce. Mainly worrying about what they’ll do without that person in their life, what people will think, and how it will negatively impact the kids, if they have any.

Skye: Speaking in very general terms, are there any other key differences in the way men and women experience divorce?

KH: In very general terms, it seems that women learn to take care of themselves and are happier after the divorce. They learn from it and work on themselves to make their next relationship better and not make the same mistakes. Men are less likely to seek out support and help, and go into their next relationship or marriage not having worked on their issues as much.

I think this is because women are more into self-help and getting support from others while men usually believe they can fix a problem themselves.

Skye: How do you suggest both men and women build up their confidence to get back on the dating scene after divorce?

KH: Take care of themselves:  go to the gym, lose weight, take a class, develop a hobby, see a therapist, become more spiritual/religious, get a new haircut, start eating better, read more books…the list is endless. Basically, inject some happiness into your life.

Skye: Waiting until you’re sure you’re ready to date seemed to be a common theme in your blog posts. What would you say to people who are questioning their readiness to date? I.e. how can someone determine if they’re ready to date regardless of how much time has passed after their divorce?

KH: If you’re questioning your readiness to date you’re probably not ready. You don’t have to be 100% confident and all set to burst on the scene with a hot pink bedazzled t-shirt that says “Date Me!” (laughs). But you should have at least a small inkling that you’re ready to have some fun or meet someone for a relationship.

Skye: What about dating with kids? What are your thoughts on that for single parents, of either sex, handling the bulk or all of the childcare?

KH: Put your kids first, but you also gotta live your life. The men or women you date should know right away that you at least have kids. It’s a deal breaker for some people.

You may be a mom or dad, but you’re still a sexual being and I feel everyone needs a romantic relationship. Some of my rules are don’t introduce your kids to every Tom, Dick, and Harry you date. In fact, I think your kids shouldn’t meet anyone you’re dating until there is a commitment.  And no overnights. Your kids don’t need to hear or see or even think about their mom or dad having sex…ewww (makes a face and laughs).

Skye: You strongly advise women not to ask men out on your site? What are your reasons for that?  Does that include making the first approach on internet dating sites? If yes, why?

KH: Basic and simple. Men are the pursuors. You ask a man out, that puts you in the chasing role…forever. I know women who’ve asked men out, who end up buying their own engagement rings, supporting the household, and making all of the decisions. If this is the kind of man you want, then go for it. But I’m guessing most women are looking for a man, not a b*tch.

Of course this doesn’t happen every time a woman asks a man out. But if a guy wants to get to know you better, he’ll ask you out. Let him be a man.

Online, is pretty much the same. Make yourself known to him by viewing his profile or “winking”).

My rule is you get one proactive move: you wink online, or you write the first intro letter, or if you feel you must, you ask him out. If he doesn’t respond, or says no, that’s it, game over, your one move is gone. We women make too many excuses: he’s shy, maybe he doesn’t know I’m interested…whatever. If a man is interested he’ll find a way to talk to you, to ask you out. Remember, you want to date men, not passive little boys.

Skye: You also suggest that women shouldn’t talk sex too early, even if they have no intention of sleeping with the man for a long period of time. What is the danger in that in your estimation?

KH: If you talk sexy time, men are going to think you’re game for sex right away. Makes sense right? If I go on a first date and talk about how sexual I am, how sensual I am, how I study tantra, and love having sex, why wouldn’t this guy think he’s going to get some that night?

Imagine going to a swimming pool and telling people how much you love to swim, and how you know how to do a back dive, and how underwater handstands are the very best thing ever.  And then people ask “So, why aren’t you getting in, you’ve been talking about it all day?” What are you going to say? Whatever your answer, no one is going to buy it with all this “pool” talk you’ve been doing. They’re going to think you’re full of b.s.

Skye: Do you think divorced women have it harder than divorced men on the dating scene? If so why?

KH: Very much so. Divorced women definitely have a harder time dating. Women are much more forgiving when dealing with a man’s past relationships, and kids from past relationships.

Men are by nature, pretty territorial – I think it’s all the testosterone (grins). They would rather be the first. The first to be married to you, the first to be father of your children, etc. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s just how it is.

Skye: You’ve stated that you believe people can have more than one soul mate in their lifetime, which is a view that is contrary to what a lot of people believe. Can you extrapolate on that?

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KH: We have many soul mates during a lifetime – and not just romantic ones. There is your best friend who just “gets” you, or your mom that you talk to everyday. The same thing is true with romantic partners. There are, what, five billion people living on this earth? Are you telling me that you are supposed to run into and connect with only ONE person out of billions? And this person has to speak the same language, live on the same continent, in the same country, state, city, and be in the same age range as you? Oh, and let’s not forget that person has to be available at the same time you are and not already in a relationship. (shakes her head).

So, yes, there has to be more than one soul mate in our lives, or the likelihood of us ever being happy romantically would be less than one hundredth of a percent. Tough odds for love, don’t you think?

Skye: In your post ‘I’m Divorced and I’m Angry’ you talk about finally coming to terms with the way your marriage ended. Do you think a lot of women have trouble facing their own anger after divorce, particularly after infidelity? Would you say men have the same problem?

KH: Women are taught not to be angry and we aren’t expected to express our anger. We get labeled as “bitchy” or “an angry woman” which is said in a negative way, like it’s wrong to be angry. For men, the only uncomfortable emotion encouraged is anger. Not sadness. Not vulnerability. But anger. So when men get divorced, they are allowed to be angry and no one thinks twice. In contrast, women are accused of being bitter.

This is especially true after infidelity. It’s automatically assumed that we did something wrong.  I was asked more than once if my husband cheated with a younger woman. I was only 33 when we separated. The woman he cheated with? 31. So what I was hearing was: if you were younger he wouldn’t have cheated. It was like his infidelity was my fault. Most men don’t have this problem, they’re angry and either stay angry or move on. But regardless, they get angry.

Skye: In your very first post on KimHess.com (April 25, 2008) you stated…

“When I started contemplating divorcing my children’s father, I found nothing but scary statistics on how divorce was going to lower my standard of living, make me just another person who never valued her marriage vows in the first place, and how it was more likely my kids were going to drop out of school by the age of ten, join an unsuccessful heavy metal rock band, and never call me, not even on Mother’s Day.”

Do you think women currently going through divorce receive similar messages today?

KH: (nods emphatically) Yes, most definitely! You’re never ever going to hear anyone say, “You know sometimes relationships aren’t meant to last forever, let alone 50 years, so divorce might be the best thing for you.” Nope, you hear that you didn’t work hard enough, that you’re children will be ruined, and your next marriage will fail. Our society demonizes divorce and the people who choose to divorce rather than understand that to live miserable in an unhappy or dysfunctional marriage is no way to live at all.

Skye: From what you’ve learned from your own divorce and counseling others, what would you say is the number one mistake couples make in their marital relationship that leads to divorce?

KH: My standard answer is communication. Keeping thoughts and feelings inside and not telling your partner your true feelings or worse, being dishonest in your marriage. Also, thinking the grass is greener on the other side. Whether that be cheating because you think someone is “better” than your current spouse, or believing that single life is better than the one you’ve got now.

I tell people to work it out unless there are affairs, addiction, or abuse. If that’s the case, get the hell out. No one needs to be in any relationship where they’re being disrespected constantly or in any kind of danger. That’s not love. Other than that, boredom is not a valid reason, at least in my book, to divorce somebody.

Skye: In your opinion, what is the most difficult part of ending a marriage, emotionally and/or psychologically speaking?

KH: In my opinion, it’s losing someone you confided in, trusted and loved. I lost not only my best friend, but my partner in this game of life. I also lost the family we had built. Emotionally and psychologically that is so hard to overcome. The stats are it will take you half of the duration of your marriage to emotionally heal. So if you’re married for 10 years that means it will take you about five years to heal.

Skye: What are your recommendations for parents who are wondering how to break the news to their kids regarding the end of their marriage?

KH: If you can, break the news to your kids with your soon to be ex. Form a united front of love and compassion for your kids. If this isn’t possible get all the information you can. Google “how to tell the kids about divorce”. I just published an article from Rosalind Sedacca who runs www.ChildCenteredDivorce.com on my Examiner column. We must learn to put our children before our own anger and pettiness when our marriages end through divorce. There are tons of resources out there for you to use when dealing with kids and your divorce.

Skye: What is the most common question you’re asked by people going through or who’ve been through divorce?

KH: People surprisingly ask me “What do I do now?” We’re accustomed to either trying to find love or being in a relationship. When that love comes to a halt, we don’t know what to do. I tell people, “Take care of yourself and be easy with yourself. Allow yourself to be sad, don’t try to be strong. This isn’t the time to be strong.” The pain will lessen slowly over time and in the meantime be very good to you.

Skye: What do you think of the concept of starter marriages, first marriages that last five years or less and ends before the couple has children, and the idea that the young people who tend to have them get married for the following reasons: 1) to complete a “power couple” life, 2) to move out of their parents’ houses, 3) out of fascination with weddings, or 4) because they had been dating a long time and marriage was easier than breaking up. Do those ideas hold weight with you based on what you’ve seen?

KH: People get married for a lot of reasons. Some people in “starter marriages” actually got married for love and because they don’t want to live their lives without the person they love. And some people who’ve been married for 45 years get married to move out of their parent’s house or because it was expected of them.

People get married, some relationships last, some don’t regardless of the why they get married.  Trust me, no one’s going to the altar believing that this is their starter marriage.

Skye: Are you an advocate of divorce parties?

KH: I’m not against them. I’ve never been invited to one but I would go. There’s so much sadness and heartbreak in divorce, why not have a little fun if you can? It can be used to celebrate a person’s transition into a new chapter of their life.

I’ve heard of great ones where a candle is extinguished to represent the light of the marriage going out, and another candle is lit representing a new life beginning. I’ve also read about divorce parties where there is a penis cake to represent the ex husband. (Laughs) Yes, I said penis cake. As fun as it would be to chow down on penis cake in the replica of someone’s ex, I imagine the resentment and bitterness that goes along with the “cutting of the cake” might need to be worked on after the anger has gone.

Skye: Tell me about your book From Ex to Next!: An Empowered Woman’s Guide to Dating Again?

KH: From Ex to Next! is available on Amazon.com right now on your Kindle or you can download it onto your PC. I’m also excited that readers will soon be able to read it in paperback.

This book was such a labor of love for me. It is truly a guide of how to get over your ex while empowering yourself to be successful on the way to your next relationship. I’ve always worked wonderfully with the blogger of MiketheMasterDater.com on my radio show. From that, he became my go to guy whenever I had questions about a guy I was crushing on or dating. I was constantly calling him to find out what the man in my life was thinking, and he had all this insight into what goes through a guy’s head about women and dating.

We women that have been married and out of the dating world have almost no knowledge of what dating is like now. I got married before online dating was big, and when no one was “sexting”. And I’m pretty young. I thought “every divorced woman should have a Mike.” So, that’s how we got together to co-author the book. Now, women going through a breakup or divorce have someone who’s been through the pain, me, as well as someone who knows how men think, Mike.

Skye: Will there be a follow up book for men?

KH: I never say never, but right now Kim Hess, Divorce Guru, mainly focuses on women. Not because men don’t also go through pain and need guidance and advice, but just because I’m not a man and cannot wholly relate to what a man deals with while going through a divorce. Maybe I’ll co-author a book with a divorced man so men can have someone to relate too. Hmmm…come to think of it, that’s a great idea. (smiles)

Skye: Anything else you’d like to share with our readers?

KH: Your readers should know that I am neither an advocate of divorce for frivolous reasons, nor am I anti-marriage. In fact, I tell both never been married, and divorced women all the time that marriage is a truly wonderful thing: whether it is sanctioned by the government or by a simple and pure declaration of commitment between two loving people – gay or straight. To share your life with someone is one of the best decisions you can make in life.

I plan on getting married again and tell my readers, clients, and anyone who will listen that love is an amazing thing and it’s out there for all of us.

I am intelligent. I am industrious. I am competitive. I am ambitious. I am opinionated. I am feminist. I am feminine.

I am also submissive.

I like a man to take control during sex. I like that he uses me as his fuck-toy. I like being overpowered physically. I like the way he insists on having sex as he engineers it. I like the names he calls me. I like when he is rough with my body. I like pain and have a reasonable tolerance for it. I like how he applies his creativity and intellect to render me an instrument for his pleasure.

These are aspects of one persona (mine).

Most of the sex I have these days transpires in the context of no strings encounters, often with men I meet on the internet. It is easy for a woman in her mid-twenties to find sex in an urban and cosmopolitan environment, and I have one night stands as a consequence of various chance meetings, but the fact is that I seek kink in order to sate the emotional and inner yearnings at my core. While I indulge my appetites with frequency, very few of my partners end up achieving fuck buddy status. This is not by design.

I like having regular play partners for the simple reason that by virtue of friendship and familiarity with each other’s bodies and desires, the experience of sex becomes heightened for both of us. Rarely, however, do I spend more than one night with a man. It is difficult for me to find people I like well enough and with whom I have sufficient chemistry in order for a “friends with benefits” arrangement to become conceivable. Also, the added constraint of having a similar philosophy regarding domination and submission complicates matters.

I have a checklist for what I look for in a regular. I need to have fun in his company. I need him to treat me as an equal in the non-sexual context. I need him to fuck well, paying attention to my orgasms in addition to his own. I need him to be mindful of my limits as he pushes me. I need him to treat me as an equal participant in the kink. I need him to make me feel safe while I am challenged physically and submerged in submissive mental spaces. I need him to conduct a seamless transition from camaraderie to carnality. I need him to respect me — before, during, and after the play.

It is the rare man who can do all of these things for me. I might have a nice date with a guy, go to bed with him, play hard, and then discover an unevenness in how we interact afterwards. The laughter isn’t as free. The second date has a tension to it. Having treated me once as his slut and his bitch, he no longer regards me as an independent personality. He attempts to assert his dominance within a quotidian context, where power games are inapposite. A boundary has been crossed. Much of this may not happen in any overt manner. But it’s the vibe I get. It’s a subcutaneous sensation intuited from how we communicate. He fails to appreciate that my submission arises from my volition rather than his will. I no longer trust him sufficiently to place myself in his power. Under the circumstances, we won’t have sex again. A relationship can’t develop.

Possibly, I am misinterpreting his intentions. Possibly, I am being unfair in my judgments. It isn’t about fairness though. I can only rely on my instincts. And my instincts tell me that we have exhausted our potential the first time and that I should look for someone new.

The dominant men who successfully get me into bed a second time and ultimately become regular play partners have the ability to compartmentalize. They recognize that submission and kink exist only within a particular context. Both when we are having sex and when we are not, they exhibit respect for me as a person. The friendship extends to both places. I am tied up, he pours hot wax over my breasts, and next spanks my cunt until I cry. When we have a glass of wine after sex, he laughs at the joke I make at his expense. He uses the flow of his urine to wash his semen from my face, and then, following the shower, he towels me off with infinite tenderness and care. We go to a concert together, and I buy dinner because it’s my turn.

He is dominant. I am submissive. But I never feel that he is my better or that I am his inferior.

You’re about to read the inaugural posts written  by a collective known as The Insomniac Club: a new project we here at MetAnotherFrog.com are participating in, along with an ever growing gaggle of our truly fabulous blogging buds. Bloggers like…

Alex of the Urban Dater, AV Flox, Feisty Woman, Jess Downey, KB in NYC, Lena, Lucky Girl, ManShopper, Mike Masters, Miss Melisa Mae, Nikki B, Simone Grant, Miss Taylor Cast, Totally Tyler, and last but not least, the man who pulled us all together for this project, Mr. Jackie Summers,

Starting today, once a month The Insomniac Club will post their takes on one very juicy, thought-provoking and perhaps even naughty topic on their respective blogs. Our goal is to promote open dialogue on hot topics, while introducing our readership to new voices within the dating, sex and relationship blogging community.

So, just keep an eye out for the #insomniaclub hashtag on Twitter to catch all that we’ll be bringing today and in the months to come. It’s going to be a wild ride and we hope you all enjoy it.

SB

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SAM SHARPE

So. What would I do if I found out my partner had a secret and active profile on an online dating site? Probably nothing. Okay, that’s not quite true. What I think I mean to say is that the key issue for me is not the existence of an active dating profile. The problem would be the sense of betrayal, the mistrust this profile would engender. Seriously. Who does that? Who creates or continues using an active profile while already in a committed relationship?

The insane? The selfish? The stupid? The masochist? The arrogant? The wounded? The insecure? Probably a combination of some or all of these things, plus maybe several things I didn’t mention. But who hasn’t been there, who hasn’t done something stupid and self destructive within a relationship out of fear, insecurity or anger? Hell, as far as I can tell, many if not most of the conflicts that arise within a relationship are directly related to fear, insecurity and anger. Many, if not all the pathologies that lay waste to relationships can be directly traced to those things.

Serial philanderer? Probably an insecure prick/bitch. Masochist? Could very well be wounded. Caught in bed with your sister? Or brother? Okay, well that’s just stupid. And flagrant. Probably selfish, arrogant, wounded…hell, it’s a bit of everything. It’s like hitting the relationship pathology Powerball. Except in reverse because no one wins. Anyway, my point is that if experience has taught me anything about relationships it is that the ones who hurt you the worst are always the ones you love the most. And they very rarely do so intentionally. Or rather the action isn’t the problem; it’s usually emblematic of something else, perhaps something deeper plaguing them or the relationship.

It’s for this reason that I’ve always told people that I don’t think your partner being unfaithful means you should end a relationship. To me, infidelity is usually a symptom, not the disease. I’m not saying you should stick around with someone who’s been unfaithful. I’m saying you should investigate the reasons for the infidelity before deciding a relationship is unsalvageable, especially if you claim to love them.

So. I find out my partner has an active profile on an online dating site. What do I do? Maybe I throw her computer/laptop/smart phone out the window. Maybe I yell. Maybe I create my own profile and contact her on a stealth tip to see what she does. Maybe I call her a f*cking selfish bitch. That one’s very possible because I love the f-word. In all likelihood I initiate a conversation. I ask the important questions. Then I take it from there.

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SKYE BLUE

Ladies and Gents, the question of the day is…

What would you do if I found out my partner had an active online dating account?

As it has yet to happen to me (as far as I know), I can flippantly say that I’d give him his walking papers in a flash.  But as we all know when your heart is involved things are rarely that easy, and I imagine like many women (and men) before me I’d grapple with finding a way to forgive him and make things better for far too long before admitting to myself that I simply couldn’t trust someone who could deceive me like that. Sill, as much as being involved in such a  scenario would cut me to the quick, I’m not sure it would cause me to give up on online dating – even though the potential for infidelity online is something I often think about.

One of the things that makes me most unsettled about dating online is the possibility that someone I’m interested in dating and/or seeing could actually be attached. Why? Well, beyond all those stats that say 70% of the people on dating sites are attached/married (a la the shirtless “very fit fun classy” Craigslist philanderer and now former Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee – WTF was he thinking?) I have a strong suspicion that I’ve unwittingly been the other woman for at least one would be adulterous married man during my online dating career. Thankfully my spidey sense started tingling long before things got serious or horizontal.

Ashley Madison. Just one of the many sites catering the newly and perpetually unfaithful.

And beyond dealing with the prospect of being some wayward husband’s internet side piece, how about having to negotiate when to get rid of my dating profile and/or bring up a discussion about doing so with a new love interest? And how do you ever know for sure that the person you are now dating exclusively (you hope) has really (like for really real) gotten rid of their dating profile(s)? The internet is rife with dating sites to accommodate every demographic, fetish and budget; an individual profile can be changed in an instant; checked from virtually anywhere on the planet; and when it doubt, those choosing to step out on their partner can surf the web to receive guidance on how to cheat online – without getting caught – from any number of reliable sources.

The super paranoid part of me feels like I always have to be on guard and looking for clues of infidelity whether I’m happily attached or a soul mate seeking single. It’s a wonder any of us are on dating sites at all.

Le sigh.

But then again, I guess that the continued popularity of online dating sites despite the high probability of infidelity and a host of other problems speaks to the perpetual optimism, need for love, and (perhaps most of all) unrelenting desire for extremely hot sex, all we humans seem to have, no?

If you’re at all like me, you probably have a ton of online dating stories: ones that range from slightly amusing to downright hilarious. But despite the “laugh so hard you snort” inducing effect many of your dating stories may have, I’m sure you would agree that for those of us the dating scene sifting through what seems like a trillion profiles on a dating site to find just one “somewhat suitable” candidate, or having to endure the back and forth of inane email/IM conversations in hopes of getting laid having even one face to face meeting, can be FRUSTRATING – at times.

But what’s a girl to do when trolling various online dating sites, for what seems like forever and a day, doesn’t lead to like, lust or love?  (Please select all that apply from the list below):

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a. Spend many a lonely night at home, cuddled up with the cat and some popcorn in front of a yet another chick flick?

b. Pick up some more batteries the from the convenience store so she can make use her most “stimulating” sex toy more frequently?

c. Concede defeat, take down her dating profile and give up on her dreams of meeting her very own Prince Charming?

d. Try her luck on a dating site that puts “the date [and F-U-N] back into dating” by connecting people interested in meeting like minded individuals who want to share an exciting, playful, quirky, adventurous, and even romantic experience?

e. None of the above.

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If you chose “d” give yourself a pat on the back. And if you selected both “b” and “d” you’re a woman after my own heart – so two snaps and a hip bump for you. Either way, after you’ve finished congratulating yourself for being the brilliant woman that you are, check out HowAboutWe, a hip new dating site with an even hipper approach.

HowAboutWe’s unique slant to online dating puts the focus on the dates, NOT the profiles of individual users, so you get:

• Better insight into what the people behind each profile are really like, as they’ve written (in their own words) what is it they actually want to do.
• Greater ability to find people with whom you share common life passions.
• A chance to do something you really want to do. Because you’re matched based on date ideas even if the connection is a fail, at the very least your date will result in you: seeing the great art exhibit/film/play everyone’s been talking about; dancing the night away at that free concert/night club/salsa class you wanted to attend; finally trying your hand at rock climbing/pottery/snowboarding; or just getting your errands done.
• And best of all, no more waiting and hoping that the guy will grow some balls take the lead by deciding just what it is the two of you will be doing when you meet – you’ll know from the get go. BONUS.

And you know what else folks? Just in time for Valentine’s Day the good folks about HowAboutWe are offering 33% OFF their service to all our readers who use the promo code VDAYFUN when they sign up.

A cool new approach to the dating game, a great discount, and access to matches who want to do the things you like to do – minus the 1001 emails to figure out where you’re going to meet and what you’re going to do.

Hmmm…Sounds like no brainer to me.

It’s February and just in case you missed Sam’s Mating In Cativity Sucks B**** post or Elizabeth’s declaration that one plus one equals coitus, we’ve begun our month long discussion of the downside of dating and relationships. And tonight it’s my turn to share one of the things that I don’t particularly love about the dating and mating game. So here goes…

For me, one of the biggest downers in the dating game is the way some men (far too many) who when given just a little bit of attention by a woman (i.e. at best two very short and lacklustre dates SANS as much as hand holding, but sometimes even less than that will do it), men the woman in question doesn’t want to stick around, do just the opposite: they stay on her nuts FOREVER! Ladies, can I get a witness, ‘cause I’m sure you’ve all experienced this at least once.

Picture it. You connect with a guy you mistakenly think might be worth dating. If you’re screening process is on point, during the texting/emailing/phone call stage you realize he’s not your type and avoid a bad date. But sometimes when your creepometer or “so not right for me” spidey sense is a little of kilter you slip up, and end up going out with a sub standard candidate. Usually it’s just once, but there are times when – just because you can’t put your finger on anything absolutely repulsive about Mr. Subpar, and/or after consulting with your ever optimistic girlfriends – you decide to go out with him a second time. (FYI: Ladies, as a general rule if that crazy thing called ‘chemistry’, failed to show up on date one, it’s unlikely it will suddenly make an appearance on date two. Just sayin’.) Either way the end result is that you quickly figure out that you just aren’t feeling him. So, you ‘let him down’ as diplomatically as possible, politely wish him well and you move on to your next prospect – assuming he’s doing the same. But he doesn’t. Well not completely anyway. Depending on the dude, anywhere from a few days to a few weeks will pass and then…

He. Comes. Right. Back.

Like a recurring yeast infection – only more irritating and with even less of interest to say.

And by coming back, I don’t mean just one phone call, text, IM or email asking if you’re interested in trying again – which would be reasonable. Oh no people, what I’m talking about is an unbridled, onslaught of messages in your inbox and attempts to connect with you on the phone to ‘catch up’ with you long after you’ve told him “Thanks, but no thanks”.

A few cases in point from my life…

Man #1

Wanye, Mr. Possiblities of Luv Makin’. Remember him? I shared his stellar poetry with you last summer, about the time he and I met online. We chatted a few times and never met. Even so he’s still messaging me. Now I’ll admit it slowed down by late November, but my last message from him was a Happy New Year shout out. My response to that? The same as it’s been to every attempt he’s made to contact me since July. Cemetery silence. How long do you think it will be before he gets the hint?

Man #2

His name was Paul. It only took four phone calls and one date for me to send him packing for reasons I won’t mention here. He waited six weeks to call me back “just to catch up”. But within minutes of getting me on the phone he was talking about how he really felt a connection with me and that he thought “we could really make a go of it” – despite the fact that I’d told him (more than once) that the suburban life with 2.5 kids, a dog, a SUV parked in the driveway of the pretty three bedroom house with the white picket fence that he dreams of holds no appeal for me. And even though I’ve long since stopped answering his texts, he still checks in with a message at least once/week. All this after one sighting, people. Would he have proposed after six?

Man #3

Delano. He managed to squeeze one pseudo date out of me before I stopped returning his calls. And still he called virtually every day for 30 days – even though I never answered (except for the two times he blocked his number). What made him stop? To keep things simple I’ll say his own insanity. Want more details? Then click here.

I could go on, ’cause Lord knows I have more stories, but I‘m sure you get the point.

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Now I get that some men work the persistence angle to wear a woman down, and that others (much like Delano) are straight up ego trippin’. But isn’t there an upper limit on the foolishness? I mean, what does it take for such men to throw in the towel, put down the torch and stop running behind the woman who’s doing her damnedest not to get caught? What is it about being rejected by a woman that seems to up her sexy with some men?

And boys, does this shit happen in the reverse? Are there women out there trying their best to wear down the dude they want to get next to?

Your thoughts good people?

As the old adage says, the best things in life are free.  Sadly, that isn’t usually the case with advice, especially the unwarranted kind. However, if you’re lucky enough to have a sage soul in your life – one you know has your best interest at heart and who willingly shares his/her pearls of wisdom with you when you start to veer off track – you know how helpful good advice can be.

Well folks, as luck would have it I recently connected with one such soul – my dear Aunt Lola. And like any good aunt, Aunt Lola has definitely got your back. From what I can tell, she seems to know a bit of everything, and she full of advice that will help any girl…

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Keep her ego and attitude in check.

Sweetie, next time you’re feeling Superior – Lie Down until it passes.

Be special because of your achievements, sweetie, not your star sign & your lactose intolerance.

Get real with herself.

Put the list of What You Want aside for a bit, sweetie. Start on a list of what you’re Offering.

If you’re mad at One person, sweetie, it could be Them. If you’re mad at Lots of people it’s You (Also true for UFO sightings).

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Be more proactive so she can live your life to the fullest.

If you’re waiting for The Universe to tell you what to do, sweetie…you might wanna take a seat.

Psst…sweetie…your Real Life already started.

Treat every day like you just drove it off the lot, sweetie.

Sweetie, when life seems bleak and the blues have got ya – Don’t Call Your Ex.

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Face the hard realities of life…head on.

Every Road has a few bumps in it, sweetie. When you come to one Don’t Lie Down.

Depression is an illness, sweetie. A vague sense of self-loathing caused by too little activity and too much TV is Not.

Sweetie, if you’re going to spread gossip, or pluck chickens against the wind, Brace Yourself.

Sweetie, everyone else is walking around pretending to be a competent adult too.

Old Sweaters & Mediocrity, sweetie – they’re comfy, but they don’t get you to The Ritz.

Sweetie, if you forget to eat, it’s Love. If you can’t eat, it’s Heartburn.

If you’re mad at One person, sweetie, it could be Them. If you’re mad at Lots of people it’s You (Also true for UFO sightings).

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Put her best face forward.

Sweetie, never make misery your style.

Sweetie, never underestimate the therapeutic effects of fresh air, good food & mascara.

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And make better choices about the men she dates.

Sweetie, don’t date people with more problems than teeth.

Sweetie, sometimes you gotta work on a relationship & sometimes you gotta get dressed and go home.

Sweetie, you’ll need those lips for whistling and grinning. Don’t waste them on frogs.

Sweetie, if it can’t Apologize or Heat Beans – Don’t Marry It.

Sweetie, Never pick out lovers or lipsticks in a dim light.

(and my personal fave) If you’re only in love with the smile, sweetie – Don’t Take the Whole Boy Home (Have any truer words ever been spoken?)

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So, if you’re the type that needs of a firm nudge to get you moving in the right direction when you happen to stray off course, check out @YourAuntLola. She’s always be there to guide you…

Sweetie

As I explained in my post Ho Ho OOOHHHH!, this month is all about our favourite things – things that get our pulses racing, nether regions throbbing and mouths watering. Why? Well, we’re hoping that in addition to entertaining you, we may just help you get some extra hot fires burning this holiday season: which of course brings me to the point of today’s post. Pay attention fellas, this one is for you.

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Christmas is a time for giving, and if you happen to be a man who is romantically involved with a woman who’s big on receiving gifts – especially from her supaman luva, boo, pappy, lover boy, “stucky” and/or main squeeze – you need  to get the whole gift giving thing right… the first time. You see boys, rightly or wrongly, if your lady is like  most women, she will look at the any and all gifts she receives from you as a sign of how much you love/adore/appreciate her. Take it from me guys, if your woman thinks this way, you’ve got absolutely NO room for error on this.

So gentlemen, consider this post my PSA for all of you out there struggling to figure out what to get for the woman in your life who says…

“Oh honey, you don’t have to get me anything this year.”

“Don’t worry.  I’ll love whatever you get me. I always do.”

“Just knowing you love me is more than enough for me.”

Or some other equally glib comment uttered with such feigned breeziness that your tingling spidey senses tells you she really means:

“You had better pick out something totally amazing for me – all on your own – or your ass is mine Mr. Man.”

For the record boys, as a general rule electronic gadgets that you want more than she ever would (i.e. the extra large flat screen TV to catch the big game on, newest play-station or X-box, etc.) are absolute no-no’s. As are gift certificates for personal training, Jenny Craig or anything else that may lead her to believe you think she’s fat (a very bad move unless you’re looking to be in the no sex zone from now ’til…ETERNITY!). And you can just forget about ‘practical’ gifts like home appliances (i.e. microwaves, blenders and vacuum cleaners), slippers and anything akin to a ‘Cooking for Dummies’ book. Finally, as thoughtful as they may seem, perishables like chocolates, flowers and/or other produce, even if it’s wrapped up in a dazzling gift basket, should also be avoided (unless they are being used as items to supplement your main gift to her).

Now you’re busy asking yourself what’s left to get her aren’t you? Well, my answer to that is this…

Plenty.

You see gentlemen, the truth is that most women love (and by love I mean completely adore and totally yearn for) pretty, shiny and delicately crafted bits of metal, especially if the aforementioned bits of metal are encrusted, inlaid or adorned with gems. And although it may seem that many women are only keen on the very large colourless gems that are often mounted on rounded bits of gold or platinum hued metal (you know the ones they say should cost you three months salary?), let me assure you that colourful gems attached to various metals in all sorts of shapes and sizes make appropriate Christmas gifts as well.

By now I hope you all realize that I’m talking about bling, ice, jewelry. Please note that I’m referring to the insanely beautiful, gasp inducing and Oh-my-God-you-shouldn’t-have-but-I-love-you-so-much-because-you-did shouting kind of bling. And isn’t that the reaction you want when she opens the gift you took pains to find, purchase and gift wrap for her this Christmas? After all, anything that makes her feel that good is bound to put her in the mood to make you feel good. As in really, really, REALLY GREAT (nudge, nudge, wink). That’s right friends, getting her jewelry for Christmas = a win-win-win. That’s one for her,  one for you and one more for your man parts.

So, now that you’re clear on what to buy for your SO to make this Christmas a winning one for both you and your junk, allow me to give you just one more tip on how to make shopping for your “99.99% guaranteed ass getting” Christmas gift easier this year.

Don’t bother trudging all the way out to the mall in search of a perfect piece of jewelry. You know you’re just going to be faced with impossibly busy parking lots, overcrowded shops, and the very limited selection at your local jeweler or (worse yet) a department store. Why go through all that when you can easily find a truly inspired piece of jewelry for your SO by simply booting up your laptop and checking out Ice.com?

Ice.com, the internet’s first online jewelry store, features a vast collection of gorgeous jewelry, and to celebrate the holidays from now until December 31, 2010, they’re offering customers a Friends and Family gift of…

$20 to spend on virtually anything in the store + FREE shipping (in the US and Canada)!

To take advantage of their generous offer, after you’ve picked out a spectacular gift or two for your girl, just enter the coupon code FRNDS at the checkout or click here.

Boys, could it be any simpler? At Ice.com you can purchase an eye-catching gift for the woman in your life at a great price, from the convenience and comfort of your own living room. Score you…

And that ever ready “dude” in your pants.